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Hahaha Tyrael! That was awesomely funny! And how'd you know that Firecat meows? Yomu does seem a little out of character, though so familiar somehow...

I've written another fanfic for Dark Mirror. Again, apologies for demeaning everyone's characters ^_^ This story is called ZOMBIE ATTACK II: ZOMBIES IN THE SNOW.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The castle in Cademia was a wreck.

"Berossus is going to be so mad," commented Silverfish.

"Where is Berossus?" asked Yomu.

"Dead," said Alt-Wizard happily.

His answer was met with a roar of outrage among the heroes.

"DEAD?!"

"How could you be so heartless!"

"Murder is too extreme for this PG-13 rated story!"

"And Berossus is a major NPC, killing him is off-limits!"

"ALRIGHT FINE!" shouted Alt-Wizard over the screams of protest. "I mind-controlled him, okay?!"

"You mind-controlled his body?!" gasped K.

"ZOMBIE!" screamed Yomu.

Pandemonium as everyone screamed and ran around in circles.

Alt-Wizard sighed and rubbed his forehead.

Katerei held her arms straight out in front of her, rolled her eyes back into her head, took a few stiff steps toward the others and moaned, "braaaaaaaaaaains."

"I'll be back later," said Selax, and disappeared into thin air.

Everyone else continued screaming and ran away. When only Katerei and Alt-Wizard were left, she sat down and laughed hysterically. "I can't believe they fell for that!"

Alt-Wizard was not amused. "That's not funny!" he said. "I do not have a zombie army!"

K came back over, "hey wait a minute, real-life zombies, er I mean, real-dead zombies don't act like that!" Then she noticed Katerei rolling on the floor laughing. "That was mean," K commented.

Katerei tried to catch her breath. "I, hahaha, I'm sorry," she said.

"No, good job," said K. "I'm proud of you."

"Excuse me!" interrupted Alt-Wizard. "We have a real problem here!"

"I thought you left the castle a while ago?" asked K.

Alt-Wizard shrugged, "I got bored, so I came back to the action. But we have more important things to worry about now. Now everyone thinks I have a zombie army!"

"So?" asked Katerei.

"So?! This is what separates me from Rythan! He has the evil zombie army, I have the mind-controlled live-people evil army! It is imperative that everyone understand this! I'm calling an urgent story meeting! K, go get all the other main characters and bring them back here. Katerei, help me clean & set up for the meeting."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Half an hour later

Evil Alt-Wizard sat in Berossus' chair at the dining room table in the castle. His evil partner Alt-Selax sat next to him. Several additional chairs had been crammed around the table to make room for all of the main cast of Dark Mirror, which really is quite large.

K had returned from finding all the main characters, and they were all starting to filter in.

Alt-Wizard drummed his fingers against the table impatiently as the characters all sat down at the table and got settled in. Hero, villain, and apathetic loner alike were all gathered together for the first time ever. "Someone's missing..." Alt-Wizard commented.

Suddenly the door burst open and Moonshadow ran in. "Sorry I'm late!" she panted.

"Your lateness will not be forgiven," said Alt-Wizard darkly.

"I could kill her again if you'd like," offered Alt-Selax.

Iannah sulked and muttered something about never getting credit for her hard work, but no one could quite make it out.

"No, no, please!" begged Moonshadow. "I brought homemade chocolate chip cookies!" She held up the cookie jar she was carrying, and offered a cookie to Alt-Wizard.

Alt-Wizard took the cookie and ate it. Moonshadow placed her jar on the middle of the table. She tentatively sat down on the last remaining chair. She fell right through the chair and onto the floor.

"Sorry," said Alt-Wizard, "we didn't have enough real chairs."

Lip wobbling, Moonshadow stood up and tried to hide in the corner.

"Now, on to business," said Alt-Wizard. "You have all been summoned here today to clarify a very important fact." He paused here for dramatic effect, and noticed everyone was munching on Moonshadow's cookies. He frowned and spoke up even louder.

"I DO NOT HAVE AN EVIL ZOMBIE ARMY!" shouted Alt-Wizard. "Rythan does," (here Alt-Rythan stood up & bowed) "but I do not. My evil army is very much alive, simply mind-controlled. Are there any questions?"

Raltpierian raised his hand.

"Yes, Alternate Rapierian."

"What's the recipe for these cookies?" he asked.

"I'll get it to you!" Moonshadow answered.

"Any OTHER questions?" asked Alt-Wizard.

Elie raised her hand. Alt-Wizard pointed to her.

"May I have the recipe too?"

Moonshadow grinned. "Certainly! I'll send it to everyone!"

Everyone chattered their thanks to Moonshadow. Alt-Wizard cleared his throat menacingly.

"Are there any questions not relating to cookie recipes?" he asked.

There was stillness in the room for several seconds. Finally, nervously, Shanadar put up his hand.

"Yes?" asked Alt-Wizard.

"What happened to the last cookie?" he asked. Everyone looked over at the cookie jar. It was empty!! Gasps of horror!

"I was going to eat another one!" exclaimed Alt-Wizard. "WHO ATE THE LAST COOKIE?!"

Silence.

"We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way," warned Alt-Wizard.

Still silence.

"Hard way it is. You are all prisoners until the matter is resolved. I'll be setting up an interrogation room in the kitchen. Alternate Selax, would you mind watching the prisoners?"

Alt-Selax nodded, and glared at everyone. "If any of you try to escape, I will kill you instantaneously."

Alt-Wizard departed into the kitchen, but Alt-Rythan raised an eyebrow. "I am not a prisoner," he protested. "The thought that anyone could hold me captive is laughable. Haha. I am here of my own free will, so that I can personally deal revenge on the inconsiderate person who ate the last cookie."

"Yeah, me too," spoke up all the other powerful characters.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A little while later

It was taking Alt-Wizard an awfully long time to set up the interrogation room, and everyone was getting bored. They decided to watch a show while they waited. Which meant first that they had to put together a show. Silverfish was the director, and he had cast Selax, Wizard, Katerei, Yomu, Avaltara, Rapierian, and Moonshadow. (They thought about doing the show Ratlizard in the Kitchen, but since the kitchen was off-limits, they decided to go with the age-old classic, Blazing Trails.)

K handed out programs to everyone in the audience.

Silverfish's Blazing Trails
Cast:
Anonymous - Avaltara
Erica - Rapierian
Alon - Moonshadow
Pirro - Yomu
Feoras - Wizard
Zak - Selax
Rasmus - Katerei

Story:
After Bellerophon cured Alaric and ditched Cythera, seven brave six brave & one cowardly adventurers set off to rid the iron mine of its ghost, so that the miners could restart their work and the economy would not crash.

Seralcard pulled up the curtain to reveal the seven actors. They each held their script in front of them because there hadn't been time for them to memorize their lines.

Rapierian (Erica) read off his lines, "let's try to communicate with the ghost."

"Your voice is all wrong," cut in Silverfish. "Make your pitch higher."

"Let's try to communicate with the ghost," Rapierian tried again.

"Higher!" prompted Silverfish.

Rapierian tried yet again, this time is voice in falsetto, "let's try to communicate with the ghost."

"Perfect!" said Silverfish happily.

"Nah, that sounded horrible!" complained Rapierian, "what is wrong with this dude's voice?"

"Dudette," corrected Silverfish.

"Dude...ette?" asked Rapierian slowly, as the truth dawned on him. "Erica is a girl?!"

Silverfish assured him, "yes, but don't worry, you're perfect for the part! Hey Seralcard, do we have any costumes that will help everyone remember that Erica is a girl?"

Seralcard rooted through the costume chest. "Here we go!" he announced, holding up a giant tutu.

"Forget it!" roared Rapierian, "I quit!" & he stomped off the stage.

Silverfish sighed. "That's okay, Erica mentally checked out of the story pretty early on anyway. The tutu can play her part for the rest of the play."

Seralcard attached the tutu to a hanger and hung it from the chandelier.

"Carry on," said Silverfish.

Yomu (Pirro) read his script, "that is what I thought too, Erica."

Silverfish interrupted again, "less talk, more explosives."

"Explosives?" asked Yomu.

"Pirro likes explosives. Very exciting."

"Um, okay..." Yomu pulled out a bomb. "I agree with Erica!" he lit the bomb and threw it in the air. It exploded when it hit the ceiling, and a good chunk of the ceiling caved in.

The commotion caused Alt-Wizard to poke his head in, "HEY! Y'all need to STOP DESTROYING MY CASTLE!"

"Sorry," said Yomu sheepishly.

"Oh well, carry on," said Silverfish.

Selax (Zak) read off his script. "I disagree with the idea of approaching the ghost."

"Ah, actually," said Silverfish, "I've added in quite the piece for Zak."

"Indeed?" asked Selax. "I'm honored."

"Yes, yes!" said Silverfish excitedly. "It's an extensive solo ballet dance depicting Zak's unique view (and terror) of the world. It will be beautiful."

Selax replied simply, "No."

"You'll be great at ballet!" Silverfish encouraged him. "You're light as air!"

"I'm not dancing. If you ask me again, I will ban you from Cythera."

Silverfish did not look pleased at all. "You're fired! Do we have an understudy for Selax?"

"Yes," spoke up Alt-Selax, "but I'm not dancing either."

"Fine, forget it!" said Silverfish. "Let's move ahead to Feoras's line."

Wizard stepped forward. "Let's depart posthaste to visit the ghost!"

"The Feoras character is too lighthearted," said Silverfish. "It would be better to make him dark. Real dark."

"Er," said Wizard, "who cares if we see the ghost or not, it's all pointless."

"Hmm," considered Silverfish, "not dark enough."

"Existence is pointless. Death is pointless - we'll only have to continue our futile lives as ghosts. Why are we here? Why do anything? We are predestined to suffer eternally, we cannot compete with the hands of fate, we-"

"No, no, no! Darker!" complained Silverfish. "Seralcard, can you find him a costume?" Seralcard dug through the trunk, and tossed a hoodie to Wizard. Wizard put it on, pulled up the hood, and put his hands in the pockets. "That's what I'm talking 'bout!" said Silverfish victoriously. "Now, Alon?"

"Present," said Moonshadow.

"Alon's now an alien cyborg monster vampire from outer space. That cool?"

"Umm..."

"And Rasmus," Silverfish continued, addressing Katerei, "isn't so much a bard as an opera singer. You can sing baritone, right?"

Katerei's eyes were wide. "I... don't think so."

Silverfish sighed and put his hand over his face. "You see what I have to work with..." he muttered. "Oh, and Anonymous, I'm changing your character's past to make the story more dramatic."

"What it is?" asked Avaltara.

"Now Anonymous is really an Undine in disguise, and he was in love with Jinrai and engaged to marry her, but then she ran off with Jhiaxus; and he forgave her because he loved her so much and he just wanted her to be happy, but his fellow Undines didn't take her betrayal so well and they killed her even though Anonymous risked his life trying to stop them. Now Anonymous blames Jhiaxus for Jinrai's death, and his soul purpose in life is to avenge her!"

"I'm not sure I can wrap my head around that role," said Avaltara.

At this moment, Alt-Wizard opened the door to the kitchen & announced that the interrogation room was ready. Everyone followed him into the kitchen. There on one of the counters was set up a polygraph machine.

"A polygraph?" said K, unimpressed. "Don't you have a spell for that?"

"THE SPELL'S BROKEN, OKAY? JUST SHUT UP!" snapped Alt-Wizard.

Avaltara volunteered, "I will go first."

Alt-Wizard attached Avaltara to the machine. Once it was all set up, he asked, "did you eat the last cookie?"

"Nope," said Avaltara.

"Snap," cursed Alt-Wizard, "he's clean."

He repeated the process with several other characters. When he called original-Wizard, it appeared that Wizard did not hear him, or else was ignoring him. After a minute though, it became apparent that Wizard was moving, just extremely slowly. K glanced at her watch. "I don't have time for this!" she blurted out.

"What's the problem?" Alt-Wizard asked her.

"I'm late for a meeting," explained K.

"Prove it."

Alt-Wizard attached K to the polygraph machine. "Are you really late to a meeting?" he asked her.

"Yes!"

"Oh, okay. Wait, did you eat the last cookie?"

"No!"

"Alright fine. You may go."

"Thank you!" K motioned to Katerei, Iannah, and Elie (they had already been tested), and the four of them ran off.

Alt-Wizard rolled his eyes, "girls."

They continued testing everyone one-by-one. Everyone checked out clean.

This was so mysterious that Alt-Rythan put on some mysterious music. Some people started dancing. Then Alt-Selax posted a sign saying "NO DANCING OR I'LL KILL YOU INSTANTANEOUSLY" and that pretty-much put a stop to it.

But back to the point, they had a mystery to solve. They split up into groups, some checking on the polygraph to make sure it was functional, while others searched the castle and yard for any signs that someone else might have snuck in and somehow taken the cookie from the cookie jar in the middle of a crowded table. Still others jumped to conclusions about who they thought were responsible, and beat each other up.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Meanwhile, in the forest near Pnyx...

K, Katerei, Iannah, and Elie gathered in a treehouse in the isolation of the forest. Elie stood in front of a blackboard while the other three sat on the floor, facing her. On the blackboard was written the following:

Avaltara Fan Club
Meeting #9
President: K
Secretary: Elie
Treasurer: Iannah
Head of Arts Committee: Katerei
Head of Food Committee: K
Head of Recruitment: Iannah

Today's agenda:
-Call to order
-Avaltara Fan Pledge
-Roll Call
-Minutes of Previous Meeting
-Committee Reports
-Old Business
-New Business
-Next Meeting Date
-Adjournment

Elie was just finishing reading the Minutes of the Previous Meeting, and then she took a seat and Katerei took her place in front of the blackboard.

"Are there any new Avaltara arts to present?" Katerei asked.

K stood. "I have a poem."

Katerei nodded and surrendered the floor to K. K pulled out a piece of paper, unfolded it, and cleared her throat.

"To Avaltara.
You're really hot
Not like a robot
Like a robot, not!
You sleep in a cot
or wait, do you?

"I'm not sure about that
But I love your hat
I mean lack of a hat
I like your hair
Would you take me to the fair?

"It's okay if you say no
I will love you even so
You're like a satin ribbon tied into a bow
Well, not really
You're honestly not that frilly

"You're the love of my life
Sorry I killed your wife
No, it wasn't with a knife
I love you! <3"

K bowed as the others clapped politely. Internally Katerei thought to herself that she finally discovered the difference between herself and her alternate: Her poetry was a lot better than K's!

K sat, and Iannah stood. "Recruitment is not going well. Nine meetings in and we still have no new members. Without new membership dues, we will not have the funds necessary to buy Avaltara extravagant gifts. It is very important that we recruit new members. Does anyone have any suggestions for candidates?"

"How about this world's Moonshadow?" suggested Elie. "She seemed nice."

"Are you crazy?" said Iannah. "Moonshadow is our biggest rival. Did you see how Avaltara was staring at her the entire time during Alt-Wizard's meeting?"

"Yeah, Moonshadow's out," agreed K. "& we may want to consider accidentally cutting her hair or something to make her less attractive."

"What about Krys and Scry from The Hand?" suggested Katerei. Iannah and Elie made faces. "What?" Katerei asked.

"We hate The Hand," said Iannah, "but.. maybe it's time we put aside our differences, for Avaltara's sake. We'll ask them. But be careful everyone, remember the First Rule of the Avaltara Fan Club: Avaltara must not know about our club. If he were to find out, it is highly probable that he would avoid all of us for the rest of his life!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Back in the castle

Everyone was still investigating the Mystery of the Disappearing Cookie when the Avaltara-fans returned from their meeting. They hadn't made much progress. As far as anyone could tell, the polygraph was working properly and no one else had been in the castle since Moonshadow brought the cookies.

"Thank goodness you're back!" said Shanadar when he saw Katerei. "We were hoping you could turn into a wolf and sniff around for the scent of the cookie."

Katerei noticed Avaltara standing in the back of the crowd. His eyes were darting back and forth and he looked very nervous. "Do I have to?" she asked.

"YES," said Alt-Wizard menacingly.

Katerei sighed and reluctantly morphed into a wolf.

"Hey!" said Avaltara suddenly. "I've got a, er, meeting too. May I go?"

"No," said Alt-Wizard, "no more leaving until we've got this sorted out."

As Katerei sniffed around the room, K, Iannah, and Elie sidled up to Scry. Fortunately, Scry was on the opposite side of the room from Avaltara.

"Psst," said K to Scry. "We've got a deal to offer you."

"What's that?" asked Scry.

"What do you think of Avaltara?" asked K.

"I dunno... he's okay I guess."

"OKAY?!" exclaimed Elie.

"shush!" K and Iannah reminded her. A few people were now looking in their direction.

"sorry," murmured Elie.

"She's right though," said K. "Okay is an insult to him. He's the coolest guy in either Cythera!"

"Why do you say that?" asked Scry.

"He's so dark..." said K.

"& brave," said Iannah.

"& determined," said Elie.

"Okay, whatever," said Scry.

"So let me offer you this deal," whispered K. "We're members of an elite secret organization, and for the low price of 500 oboloi, you can be too."

"Wowev, 500 oboloi? That's pretty steep."

"I can assure you that 100% of that will go to the great cause. I can't tell you any more until you take the secrecy oath."

"Well I'm not sure. Do I get a free T-shirt?"

"No, the T-shirts are extra... You do get a free magnet."

"& all this is about Avaltara?" asked Scry.

"We didn't say that," said K, glancing around her to make sure no one else was listening.

"I'm not sure, I'm just not sure," considered Scry. "Is he at least hot?"

"Yes!" exclaimed the three together, a bit more loudly than they should have. A few people gave them funny looks.

Scry relented, "oh all right, I'll join."

"Sqwee," whispered the others.

Across the room, Wolf-Katerei was sniffing for the scent of chocolate chip cookies, and indeed, she found it. She followed her nose over to... Avaltara's pocket!

Avaltara smiled guiltily, and looked up at the room full of angry people.

"YOU!" said Alt-Selax. "You took the last cookie?"

"Yes," admitted Avaltara, "but I didn't eat it." The mob was cracking their knuckles and readying their weapons. "Listen! The smell of the cookie reminded me of my deceased wife - she used to bake me the same cookies."

"Awww," sighed all the girls. No one else, however, thought the excuse was suitable for the crime.

"You know what, fine, take the cookie," said Avaltara. "It probably would've gotten crumbled in my Showdown with Selax anyway." Avaltara took the cookie out of his pocket and tossed it into the mob, who dived for it like girls trying to catch the bouquet at a wedding.

"I've got an idea," said Moonshadow as the mob fought over cookie crumbs. "Why don't I go into the kitchen and make a GIANT batch of cookies for us all to share?"

& so everyone became friends and ate cookies and lived happily ever after! THE END!

Hilarious, BW. That almost would have worked as a submission for Rythan's Valentine's Day story. At the part when they were first debating who took that last cookie, I was expecting them to start singing "Who Stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar?"

This topic seems to have fallen off of the main page, so I'm going to go ahead and bump it for convenience.

For a minute I thought you wrote something... so so disappointed ;_;

This post has been edited by BreadWorldMercy453: 26 May 2011 - 08:56 PM

He probably just wanted to quickly reference the music so he can file an official complaint.

Honestly, I really can't think of anything to post that fits the topic's original description. If Avatara is really insistent, I could probably come up with some generic complaint about the music.

An illustration of a young Iannah, back when K was still her role model. Larger version is here.

Nice artwork, as always, Katerei .

Oh man, Lilyrei's gotta make a fighter game for Cythera and the TS's now! Adam can program it!

I love Iannah's new hair! Pretty (& spooky!) background too ^_^

Well, here's my rather half-hearted attempt at a parody.



How Retsy (almost) Saved Cythera

One day, Retsinikuma (also known as Retsy or She-Who-Does-Not-Participate-In-TSs) was sitting around her house one day doing nothing, which was not in itself particularly unusual for her.

What was (somewhat) unusual was the glowing portal that suddenly opened near her ceiling. Out of this gateway fell a man and a woman.

It is doubtful that Retsy would have even noticed this, except that the woman landed on her head. (Retsy's head, not the woman's.)

"Ouch!" Retsy cried out dramatically.

"Oh no, I've killed her!" the woman cried out, equally dramatically.

"No, you didn't," Retsy replied.

"Oh, well, then, I mortally wounded you."

"No, I don't think it's that serious."

"Well, you still must be badly hurt," the woman said.

"No, I think I'm getting better," Retsy answered.

"Krys, we don't have time for this," the man growled out.

"Oh, right. Sorry." Krys turned toward Retsy again. "I have come from the future to warn you! Dire peril is nigh!"

"Huh?" Retsy replied, not having understood any part of Krys's last sentence.

Krys sighed.

"I'm Krys. I'm an alternate version of you from another Cythera. In the future, people from my world are going to invade your world and try to take it over. Only you can stop this!"

Retsy digested this information for a moment.

"I don't believe you," she said finally.

"Look, I know it is a lot take in...the existence of parallel worlds and the time-travel bit but—"

"No, not that. You can't be me. Your name is different," Retsy declared, shrewdly. (She prided herself on her intelligence.)

"I changed my name to show loyalty to my world's evil overlords, but I have come back to the Light Side! It was a torturous journey and a hard choice but—"

"Oh, okay, that makes sense," Retsy said, interrupting Krys's attempt to tell her tragic tale. She looked at the man who was now looking as though he were considering banging his head against the nearby wall. "Who's he?"

"Searchcard," Krys answered.

"For the last time, it is Seralcard," he said in exasperation. "Not 'Searchcard'!"

Ignoring him, Krys began speaking to Retsy again. As she did so, Seralcard took out a handheld computer and began programming their next time jump.

"You are our only hope! You must stop the invasion and save Cythera!"

The portal opened again, and the two time travelers stepped toward it.

"Why can't you?" Retsy asked, feeling a bit too lazy to consider saving the world today.

"Can't, there's a sale at the mall in a couple of years and I don't want to miss it."

With that, Krys hopped through the portal, followed by Seralcard.

Pondering their warning, Retsy declared, "It can wait."



After about a month, Retsy finally felt that she was ready to save the world. (That is, she was getting bored and a bit tired of sitting around doing nothing.) She decided that the best way to save Cythera from an evil invasion of alternates was for her to use her powers to conquer the island and then protect it. (It should be noted that logical thinking is not one of Retsy's abilities.)

The first thing she needed was evil henchmen. Thus, she decided to write an ad in the paper. Then, she remembered that she couldn't read or write.

So, Retsy settled for the next best thing: standing on a Cademian street corner and yelling.

"I AM PLANNING TO OVERTHROW THE RULE OF ALARIC AND THE MAGES! I NEED AN ARMY OF EVIL HENCHMEN!"

Immediately, she was surrounded by a ring of guards.

"You're under arrest," one of them told her.

Retsy was shocked. She couldn't think of anything illegal that she might have been doing. After a moment, she asked, "For trying to overthrow the King?"

"No, disturbing the peace."



After another month, Retsy was released. (Cythera has very strict laws about disturbing the peace, especially when the town Judge is trying to take a nap.) She decided to make good use of her recent arrest and headed for the local Minions 'R Us, the best store to hire evil henchmen. The store was so exclusive about their clientele that everyone entering had to have been arrested at least once.

Retsy proudly flashed her arrest warrant and walked in. There was a sale on skeletons, but the price was out of her pay range. (Retsy, it should be noted, was broke.) Finally, as she wandered down the aisles of the store, she passed a gaggle of ruffians and decided to attempt recruiting them for her army.

"Hi, I'm trying to takeover Cythera, and I need a band of evil henchmen. I was wondering if you might be willing to join me."

"How much would you pay?" the leader of the band asked.

"You want to be paid?!" Retsy asked, aghast. How could they dare ask such a thing of an evil overlord?!

"Of course! How much money do you have?"

"None, but I have candy," Retsy ventured, remembering the bag of candy she always carried with her.

"Really? Any Jolly Ranchers?" the leader asked, seeming a lot more interested than he had a minute ago.

"I think so."

Retsy dug around in the bag for a moment and then handed a Jolly Rancher over to the ruffian, who promptly put it in his mouth. For a moment, she was flushed with success. She had successfully recruited her first henchmen!

Then, the ruffian leader fell over and died.

Unfortunately, Retsy had given him an Apple-flavored Jolly Rancher. It is a little-known fact that ruffians are fatally allergic to Apple-flavored Jolly Ranchers.

The ruffians all stared at their now dead leader.

"It's one of those heroes come to kill use!" one of them roared. "Get her!"

"Eep!" Retsy exclaimed, before running for her life.



After another month spent in hiding, Retsy decided to try a different tack.

With much care, she sneaked into Berossus's chambers. That is, she made a great deal of noise and stumbled around the Castle until she finally found the correct room by accident. (Her success was not so much due to her "stealth" as to the fact that Cademian security was notoriously unreliable.) She found the Judge hard at work on his memoirs.

"Judge! I am an evil overlord bent on conquering Cythera to save it from a future invasion of evil alternates!"

"Yes, quite," Berossus muttered. He was stuck on a particularly hard passage and hardly noticed that she was there. Retsy, however, was quite encouraged by this response.

"If you do not surrender the city to me at once, I will kill you!" she yelled dramatically. "Do you give up?"

"Yes, quite," the distracted mage replied.

Retsy immediately began dancing around the room in joy. In the process, she bumped into the table that the Judge was using and upset the ink bottle he had been using. Ink splashed all over Berossus and his memoirs.

For a moment, the mage simply stared at his ruined work in horror before turning toward Retsy with a homicidal expression on his face.

"Uh oh."

Retsy again ran for her life.



After another month in hiding, Retsy found herself in the grotto below Kosha. She had decided to give up on recruiting henchmen or threatening the Judge. Instead, the aspiring overlord was attempting to make an alliance with the Undine. Holding a torch above her head, she regarded the spokesman they had sent to talk with her. Grandly, she explained the future invasion and her need to conquer Cythera to prevent it. The Undine ignored her her garbled explanation but decided that this crazy woman might be some of use and agreed to aid her in her conquest.

The Undine held out his hand in order to shake hands and seal the deal. Retsy ecstatically extended her own hand . . . the one holding the torch.

The Undine rapidly burnt away into a small pile of ash.

Retsy sighed in annoyance.



After yet another month in hiding, Retsy decided to take extreme steps and called the Daemon hotline, the best place to make bargains with the underworld.

"Hello, this is the Daemon hotline," a woman's cheery voice came over the phone. "How may we aid you today in committing evil nefarious deeds?"

"Hi, I want to sell my soul in order to gain extreme power and an army so I can takeover Cythera."

"I see. Name, please?"

"Retsinikuma."

"One moment, please," the woman said. "I need to run a background check to see if you're eligible for the Selling-Soul-for-Power package."

Retsy waited impatiently. This plan was sure to work! Nothing could possibly go wrong!

After a moment, she heard the woman's voice again.

"I'm sorry. You're ineligible for the deal. It seems you have an impure soul."

Retsy was shocked.

"But that's impossible—"

"According to our records, your grandfather worked for the Internal Revenue Service, and I'm afraid that means you whole family line is tainted too much for the Daemons to associate with you for the next ten generations."

Retsy was horrified. She had always known her grandfather was involved in something terrible, but her parents had always been too ashamed to give her the full story.

"I'm very sorry," came the sympathetic voice over the phone.

Retsy burst into tears.



After a month spent in mourning, Retsy finally decided to go all out. There was only one evil being she knew of who might be willing to help her in spite of her family background.

Although her last experience with the phone had been traumatic, she steeled herself to use it once more. Thumbing through her copy of the Yellow Pages, she found the number she sought and quickly dialed it. After a moment, she heard a voice on the other line.

"Yes?"

Retsy shuddered. The voice sounded thin and poisonous but it still carried the sense of great power. It brought to mind the deaths of her family. (Note: Imagine that there is a long rambling description of how evil the voice sounded inserted here.)

"Is this the Death King's residence?" she asked.

"Augh! Don't use that name!" the voice now sounded very embarrassed.

"What? 'Residence'?"

"No! The other part."

"You mean 'Death—'"

"Yes, that part. It sounds horribly cliche," the voice told her, now sounding depressed.

"Oh," Retsy paused. "What should I call you then?"

"Fred would do nicely."

"Well, Fred, I need help. I've been warned that there's going to be an invasion of evil alternates and I need to takeover Cythera so that I can prevent it. If you help me, I'll serve you and you'll be able to finally rule Cythera."

"Sorry," Fred replied, sounding really apologetic. "I'm not really in the business of collecting worlds anymore."

"What do you collect now?"

"Dust, mostly."

Failing to appreciate the ironic nature of the statement, Retsy sighed.

"Well, then, what can I do? Every one of my attempts to save Cythera has been foiled! Is there any way I can stop the alternate invasion?"

"Considering that it seems to have started months ago? I doubt it."

"Oh," Retsy said, not sure what to say.

There was a long pause.

"But," Fred said, speculatively, "I could turn you into a wraith. It's a great way to scare people into dropping loose change."

"Would that help me save Cythera?" Retsy asked.

"No."

"Then . . . why?"

"Why not?"



A few days later, Malis was out for a stroll around the Old Houses of Cademia, when, suddenly, a wraith jumped out in front of him.

"Boo!" it cried.

Malis screamed and jumped in the air. He landed so hard that all of the loose change in his pocket spilled out onto the ground. Screaming again, he turned and ran.

Behind him, the wraith bent down and began to pick up the money.

"He was right: this is a great way of getting people to drop loose change."

Is that... Selax... making jokes?

Kat- He's done it before! I think the chronicle is called Tales of Bellerophon, but I'm too lazy to check right now. So the fact that Sely can write a silly story doesn't surprise me so much as the fact that he's good at it, but will only deign to do so on a very rare occasion!

Sely- Very amusing story (: I suppose I deserve what you've done to Retsy, after all I've done to Selax and Rapierian on this thread.

Katerei: No, I'm pretty sure it is just a figment of your imagination.



Thank you, 453. I don't think Retsy suffered at all though: she accomplished more in this story than she has accomplished in recent TSs .

Selax, on 01 August 2011 - 10:37 PM, said:

Fixed. Though I point out she also played a key role in Valy's Worst Story Ever. (I believe that this thread should have links to that story and Kat's two screenplay threads in the opening post.)

Haha, pretty good Selax. You should write like that more often!

This is why the old TSs were so much better. They were actually fun.

#cythera broadcasting proudly presents
Dinner with Dave - TwoJacks Interview

<@Tyrael> Welcome to a special lunchtime edition of your favorite talk show, Dinner with Dave.
<@Tyrael> I'm your host, even though my name isn't Dave.
<@Tyrael> Today we have a very special guest with us. One that I'm sure all of you have been waiting to hear from for a while.
<@Tyrael> He's big, he's fiery, and he's full of hair -
<@Tyrael> no, it's not the new Taco Bell special
<@Tyrael> it's Firecat, and his creator, TwoJacks!
<@Tyrael> TwoJacks, welcome to the show.

<TwoJacks> Great to be here.

<@Tyrael> Great to have you here
<@Tyrael> Now TwoJacks, before we get started...why orange?

<TwoJacks> Well
<TwoJacks> Orange you glad I didn't pick a different color?

<@Tyrael> Ha ha, indeed.
<@Tyrael> Well then, our first caller's question is "after the giant mysterious explosion in Land King Hall, we didn't hear anything about Yomu. Is he safe and sound? Also, is he still single?"
<@Tyrael> that must've been from one of our two female viewers

<TwoJacks> Well Yomu is still alive, and single, though he's got a pretty strict manager ladies.

<@Tyrael> Given the amount of stalker mail we've been receiving, I'm not sure they'll take your warning to heart.

<TwoJacks> Haha, OK

<@Tyrael> Our next question is from a young mother living in Kansas. "Hello, I'm a big cat lover and I really like Firecat. When do you think we'll be able to hear more of him? And have you considered creating furry Firecat cat-ear merchandise?"

<TwoJacks> I'll answer the second question first. We did trial run some Fire-cat merch, but.. well there were some safety issues, the fire department was called.. it was just a big mess.

<@Tyrael> I can imagine. Maybe it would sell better in China?

<TwoJacks> Maybe. As for the first question. I have a few things cooking right now, Firecat if definitely one of them. He'll probably be appearing right after another project of mine is finished. (Don't worry I'm sure you'll enjoy both!)

<@Tyrael> All right, well that's all the time we have so thanks for joining us.

<TwoJacks> Thanks for having me.

<@Tyrael> Coming up next, for viewers on the west coast, we've got an exclusive look behind-the-scenes at Cythera productions including an in-person interview with the great Slayer himself. But for everyone else, you can enjoy the reruns of the Wiggles until the off-season hockey game preempts the channel.
<@Tyrael> *insert dramatic news show theme music*

<TwoJacks> What?

This post has been edited by Two Jacks: 08 August 2011 - 02:22 PM

Thank you, TwoJacks .

An amusing interview. I'm somewhat surprised that Tyrael didn't suggest coating the FC merchandise in asbestos .

Wizard groaned as he came to. He had a headache and several painful injuries. He looked around. He appeared to be in a small room with a counter and a couple of chests. It was very dark, but he could make out another person lying on the floor across from him.

"Where are we?" Wizard mumbled.

No response.

"Well, you're no help." With an effort, Wizard scooted over to the other person for a better look. It was a man, fairly young, probably mid-700's. And he was clearly unconscious. Dressed regally. Despite the terrible lighting, Wizard identified his companion as King Alaric.

Then Wizard began to remember how his evil twin was trying to kill his friends and take over the world or something. "I'd better get out of here," he commented. He got up and tried the door. "Oh no - it's locked!"

"I'll just have to use my head," concluded Wizard.

He bowed slightly in concentration and... unlocked the door with his mind!

Wizard snuck out the door and crept down the hallway. It was fairly dim and there was no one in sight. He continued on to the main hallway, looking for his friends. Still no one was in sight.

"Hello?" Wizard called. "Moonshadow? Rapierian? Selax?" And then with a pang Wizard remembered how Selax had hit him in the head and knocked him out. All their years adventuring and saving the world together - and Selax just betrayed him! Emotional anguish filled Wizard as he realized that Selax was no longer his friend. Well, he better make it official.

Wizard ducked into the deserted pantry-room, sat down, and pulled out his laptop. He booted up & logged into Facebook. Then he realized that checking his news feed might give him some indication of how (and where) all his friends were. He began scrolling through it:

Katerei
My group wins the Most Awkward award.

Yomu
Muahahaha, I have taken control over Yomu's facebook page as well as his body! Um, I mean, hi everyone, I survived the LKH collapse!

Avatara
(╯°□°）╯︵ xɐןǝs

The Master
Someday the entirety of Facebook shall be under my control!

Selax
FACEBOOK JUST RELEASED THEIR PRICE GRID FOR MEMBERSHIP. $13.99 PER MONTH FOR GOLD MEMBER SERVICES, $6.99 PER MONTH FOR SILVER MEMBER SERVICES,$3.99 PER MONTH FOR BRONZE MEMBER SERVICES, FREE IF YOU COPY AND PASTE THIS MESSAGE BEFORE MIDNIGHT TONIGHT. WHEN YOU SIGN ON TOMORROW MORNING YOU WILL BE PROMPTED FOR PAYMENT INFO... IT IS OFFICIAL IT WAS EVEN ON THE NEWS. FACEBOOK WILL START CHARGING DUE TO THE NEW PROFILE CHANGES. IF YOU COPY THIS ON UR WALL YOUR ICON WILL TURN BLUE AND FACEBOOK WILL BE FREE FOR YOU. PLEASE PASS THIS MESSAGE ON IF NOT YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE DELETED IF YOU DONT PAY..

Avatara has added 7 new photos to the album "The other Moon"

Wizard clicked on Avatara's new photo album to view the pictures. There were seven pictures of Moonshadow, in which she seemed to be unconscious, all of them honestly looked pretty much the same, except for the final photo, in which most of Moonshadow was blocked by K. K was clearly grinning and giving the peace sign, but the photo was rather blurry as though she had jumped in front of Moonshadow at the last second. Still, Wizard mused, Avatara uploaded it.

Not seeing anything else of interest on Facebook, Wizard remembered his original purpose in logging in. He navigated to Selax's page, he again felt the sorrow of losing an old friend. He shrugged off his feelings and hit "unfriend."

There, then. It was finished.

Wizard signed off. He had gotten a little bit of information though. It looked like Katerei, K, and Avatara were still alive, along with Selax, his own evil twin, and a demon possessing Yomu. And hopefully Moonshadow. There were no updates from the friends he left behind in Cademia though. That was very disturbing.

The first thing to do, he decided, was to escape LKH and meet up with Katerei & her new friends. Then perhaps she could accompany him back to Cademia to see what happened there.

Wizard ducked out of the kitchen and tiptoed down the hallway. As he approached the dining room, he heard voices coming from that direction. Using his psychic mind powers, he was pretty sure his evil twin and Selax were having tea at the table.

He had a couple of options. One would be to disguise or invisibify himself with his psychic mind powers. However, he feared his evil twin would see through it. His other option would be to take a much longer route so that he didn't have to pass in front of the dining room. He decided on the latter.

It took him a while to go all the way through the secret passage, which was partially caved in and involved some uncomfortably tight fits. Wizard began to consider going on a diet. Finally, he made it out of LKH.

Now, few people know that in Wizard's younger days, he made his living as a detective. And perhaps even Wizard himself no longer remembers his real name, though I can tell you it was Sherlock Holmes.

When Wizard saw Avatara's photos of Moonshadow, he was able to determine their location by the scenery in the background. He knew they were west of the Titan's Spine Mountains, just north of the Headwater river. But how could he get there?

He could walk, of course, but he really didn't feel like it. He sat down on the ground and began to feel desolate. He just couldn't figure out any (appealing) way to get to his friends. He buried his face in his hands for several seconds and just when he thought he might cry, he was interrupted by the sound of a throat being cleared.

Wizard looked up. "Retsy! I haven't seen you in a while!" The girl standing in front of him looked rather grumpy.

"Yeah, well, I'm not into adventuring anymore. Been busy with other stuff."

Wizard felt a bit awkward. "Well, uh, what brings you to LandKing Hall?"

"You, apparently. I'm your fairly godmother."

This was news to Wizard. "No offense, but aren't you a little young to be my godmother?"

"Yeah!" Retsy agreed enthusiastically. "Ugh! Believe me, I didn't volunteer for this. Apparently I'm the only conscious female who knows regular magic in this story." She looked a bit puzzled.

"But Retsy, you don't actually know magic. We've been trying to tell you that for a long time."

"I do too!" Retsy exclaimed. "I can prove it!"

"You mean by granting my wish?" Wizard asked.

"What? No. By singing a song."

"Okay, go ahead," conceded Wizard.

Retsy took a deep breath then began to dance and sing,

"I'm an evil enchantress
I do evil dances
If you look deep in my eyes
I'll put you in trances!
Then what'll I do?
I'll mix up an evil brew
& gobble you up
In a big tasty stew
So... WATCH OUT!"

She sung that all very fast, then collapsed and panted.

"I see," said Wizard. He was silent for a few moments while he watched Retsy recover. Finally he asked tentatively, "but are you going to grant me a wish?"

"I guess I have to," said Retsy. "What's the wish?"

"I want a ride to the Headwater River."

"Oh, that's easy," Retsy waved her hand. "I saw this in a movie once..." she disappeared into the trees for a few minutes.

Wizard tapped his foot & checked his watch while he waited.

Finally Retsy returned, carrying a pumpkin and two mice.

"Is that Yomu?!" Wizard exclaimed.

Retsy scowled. "Who's Yomu?"

But a quick telepathic prod proved to Wizard that these were just normal mice.

"Ok, so," explained Retsy, "these are your horses and carriage. Just need a bit of transfiguration..."

Retsy screwed her eyes shut in concentration. Wizard raised an eyebrow. Nothing happened.

Retsy opened her eyes and frowned. "Um. Hm," she pondered.

"Having trouble?" asked Wizard.

"No!" snapped Retsy. "Go away, I know what I'm doing. Hmm. Abra-cadabra!"

Still nothing happened.

"Retsy," said Wizard sternly. He thought about taking her hands, but wasn't keen on touching the mice, so he didn't. "You are not a magess."

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR MY SONG?!" she roared.

"Yes, but-"

"You're a jerk!" Retsy declared. "And you know what?! My magic worked perfectly! Get in your carriage!"

Wizard glanced uneasily at the pumpkin that Retsy had set down in front of him.

"Hurry up, I don't have all day," she complained.

Wizard sat awkwardly on the pumpkin. It was fairly large, but not exceptionally. It did not make a comfortable seat. Retsy tied a pumpkin vine around each of the two mice, connecting them to the pumpkin. "Horses, to Headwater River!" ordered Retsy. Then she ran off and disappeared.

It was quite a slow ride, even after Wizard fashioned some wheels for the pumpkin. However, the mice were going in the right direction, which surprised him. That is, it surprised him until he spotted Retsy ahead of them, dropping pieces of cheese.

Wizard got as comfortable as he could and prepared himself for a long ride.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Meanwhile, in Avatara's camp

Avatara, K, Katerei, Rapierian, and Moonshadow were all injured to some extent, and spent most of their time lying around in bed.

At the moment though, Rapierian was sitting up to have a drink. "Whoa," he said as he felt his hair, "I have a really bad bedhead. I don't think I've combed my hair in two weeks."

Katerei lifted her head to look at him. "Wowev, that is bad. I could really use a comb myself, now that you mention it."

"Tell me about it!" agreed K, holding up her tangled mess.

"I don't think a comb would be enough though," said Rapierian.

"Yeah," said Katerei, "we need a full hair grooming kit."

"Or some kind of special comb..." pondered Rapierian. "Oh, what would you call it?"

"A supercomb?" offered K.

"No..."

"A hypercomb?" tried Avatara.

"No..." said Rapierian. "I know! A zetacomb!"

Silence fell over the group as Avatara & the Katereis stared at him. Even Moonshadow regained consciousness to sit up & stare at him. A cricket chirped.

"Zetacomb," murmured Moonshadow, looking around at her groupmates. "That means..." Avatara nodded. Although he and the Katereis were not present when the codeword had been decided, it was such a good codeword, that they knew it, instinctually.

Slowly Rapierian realized what he said. "Oh, no! That wasn't what I meant!" The others didn't seem to believe him.

"He's the real Rapierian," said Katerei, her eyes wide. "The criminal. The wanted fugitive. The bully."

"He's been living in our camp," said K in disgust.

"He's been cooking for us!" said Avatara, looking terrified.

They exchanged stressed glances at each other.

"We can't let him stay," K whispered.

"Please ban him," Katerei pleaded to Avatara. Avatara nodded. He stood up, he stood up and walked over to Rapierian.

Rapierian was getting fearful. "I'm not the Rapierian from this world," he told Avatara. "I'm from your world. Don't you recognize me?"

"I thought I did," said Avatara sadly. And with that he lifted his leg back and swung it forward, kicking Rapierian. Rapierian went flying up into the air and off to the distance. Eventually they could no longer see him at all and a small star-like flash temporarily showed his place before he disappeared. Avatara quickly set a ban. "He won't be back later."

The girls cheered and threw confetti.

Unfortunately, there was someone else Avatara probably should have banned. Maybe he didn't think of it, or maybe he deliberately neglected to ban him because he still hoped to kill him. Whatever the reason, Selax still had full access (even operator access) to their camp. And before the girls even finished celebrating Rapierian's ban, Selax decided to pay them a visit.

"Hello, old friends," said Selax cruelly, as he entered the area.

All four of them jumped to their feet and took battle stances.

"Not a very friendly welcome," Selax complained. "I'm missing a piece of my Crolna. Do you have it? If you give it to me, I might possibly spare your lives."

"It's a bit late for that," spat Avatara furiously. He drew his weapon - his pillow - and flung it harshly at Selax.

Selax dodged.

Quickly K flung her pillow too, but Selax ducked.

By now Moonshadow had crept up behind Selax with her sleeping bag. She planned to trap him within in and beat him repeatedly. But the second she leapt for him, he calmly stepped to the side.

"Now," Selax teased. "Can't we talk this over like civilized people? I've made you a very valuable offer."

The others still clutched weapons, but waited for an opportune moment to attack.

This is when Retsy and Wizard arrived. Although the mice were still following the cheese trail and dragging the pumpkin, Wizard had eventually decided to walk. Wizard was thrilled when he saw his friends' camp, but that changed when he noticed Selax.

"How'd you get here before me?" Wizard demanded. "You were in the LandKing Hall dining room when I escaped!"

Selax glanced at the mouse-drawn pumpkin and raised his eyebrows.

"Oh," said Wizard.

"Good to see you, Wizard," called Katerei.

"You too!" Wizard replied.

"Is that Retsy?" asked Katerei.

"Yes, she's my fai-" Wizard paused, suddenly feeling embarrassed. "Er, I met her on the way."

Retsy waved.

"Do either of you have my Crolna piece?" demanded Selax.

"No," said Wizard, "but I wouldn't share it with you if I did." He rubbed the back of his head. It still hurt.

"I guess I'll kill you then," Selax shrugged.

Retsy scowled. Luckily she always carried her bolster with her. She whipped it out and threw it at Selax.

Selax ducked, and watched as it went on to hit Moonshadow.

"Ouch!" cried Moonshadow.

"Sorry," said Retsy.

K was ready with her blanket, and tossed it at Selax, but he sidestepped it gracefully.

Katerei threw a jacket at Selax while he was sidestepping, but he ducked before it could hit him.

As he bent over to duck the jacket, Moonshadow threw her pillow. Somehow Selax sensed even that and turned to evade it.

With determination, Avatara threw K's pillow (why was his bed right next to K's?) as Selax was turned away, and the pillow HIT SELAX.

Selax dodged.

"No." said Avatara flatly. "I hit you."

"You did not," Selax corrected, "I dodged."

"I saw the pillow hit you," said Moonshadow.

"Me too," said K.

Katerei, Wizard, and Retsy all affirmed that they too had seen the pillow hit Selax.

"That's not realistic," explained Selax calmly. "That would be out-of-character. I would never allow myself to be hit by a pillow."

"Well, it happened," said Avatara coldly.

Selax continued to speak without emotion, "I think you are being inconsiderate."

"I think you got hit by a pillow," said Katerei, "and you're about to be hit by another." Katerei picked up one of the fallen pillows and threw it at Selax.

Selax dodged. He was beginning to look irritated. "As you wish," he hissed. "No more Mr Nice Evil Immortal Being." With one swift movement Selax picked up two pillows at once and airbender-flung them at both Avatara and Katerei. They both cried out as the pillows knocked them over.

The camp fell into pandemonium as Selax attacked. No one stood a chance - they screamed and ran as fast as they could, leaving their bedding behind.

"WIKIPEDIA!" Selax roared as he threw pillows at their retreating backs.

Finally they got away. When they could run no farther, they stopped to rest.

"So Wizard," said Katerei, "do you know what's going on? With Selax and your double and the Crolna?"

"No," Wizard replied. "I escaped as soon as I came too. Luckily it sounds like Selax does not have control over the Crolna, or at least not all of it. But have any of you heard from the friends we left behind in Cademia?"

They all shook their heads. "I'm concerned too," said Katerei. "I think we need to find out what happened."

And so the group began their journey to Cademia. It was long and uneventful, and after the appropriate amount of traveling time, they arrived at Cademia.

Cademia was now surrounded by a wall and guarded at the gate. It was very difficult to convince the guards to let them in, but eventually with the help of some zetacombs, they were allowed to go talk to Shanadar.

They (at least some of them) were overjoyed to find Shanadar well. After hugs were exchanged, Wizard explained their concern. "There has been no Facebook updates from you or Silverfish or Talos or anyone in Cademia! We feared something terrible had happened to the city."

"Some would say that," Shanadar admitted. "You see, what with all the evil doubles and such, I felt Facebook was unsafe, so I blocked it from the Cademia network."

"That must be rough on the citizens," Moonshadow sympathized.

Shanadar shook his head in agreement. "They call me the fourth Tyrant."

Wizard & Co went on to update Shanadar on the events of LKH, how Selax (who was actually an alternate) attacked them and tried to steal the Crolna.

"You won't believe what we did to him though," said Avatara.

"What?" asked Shanadar.

"Hit him with a pillow!" K exclaimed.

"That's brilliant!" agreed Shanadar, awe-struck. "What an accomplishment! We should celebrate!"

And so they did. The celebration was long and involved confetti, dancing, feasts, fancy drinks, and general merriment.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Meanwhile, in real life

Real-live Wizzy settled down to work on his homework final-project. Seeing as it wasn't due for two more days, Wizzy figured he was getting a good head-start on it and he felt rather proud.

He searched his bookshelf for his textbook. In his search, he noticed a small white booklet. Definitely not his textbook, but out of curiosity he took it out to see what it was. The cover read, "How to Solve the Riddle of the Land King in Ambrosia's Cythera."

Wizzy stared at the Cythera logo. It looked familiar... Where had he seen it before?

He opened the booklet & began leafing through it. Memories of the wonderful game began flooding back to him. As he was leafing, a folded piece of paper fell out. Wizzy unfolded the paper and read it,

Wizard's TS posting checklist (revised):
1. Remember that Cythera exists.
2. Repeat Step 1 every few months until Step 3 is achieved.
3. Read non-story-related board posts.
4. Reply to posts mentioned in Step 3.
5. Repeat Step 1 until Step 6 is achieved.
6. Decide to post in the TS.
7. Repeat Step 1 until Step 8 is achieved.
8. Read TS posts. If feeling lazy, simply skim them. If feeling very lazy, just ask Selax for a summary.
9. If there is any confusion or questions about the TS so far: Don't bother to post it in the OoC, rather plan to ask the question in the IRC channel. Avoid the IRC channel because it is hard to leave once joined. Instead, wait for someone to guess that you have a question, guess what the question is, and answer it in the OoC or the story itself.
10. Repeat Step 1 until Step 11 is achieved.
11. Begin writing TS post.
12. Repeat Step 1 until Step 13 is achieved.
13. Continue writing TS post.
14. Repeat Steps 12-13 until Step 15 is achieved.
15. Finish writing TS post.
16. Decide to have Selax proof it.
17. Repeat Step 1 until Step 18 is achieved.
18. Ask Selax to proof the completed TS post.
19. Forget about Cythera until Selax has a break from school, and thus has time to proof the TS post.
20. Once Selax has finished proofing the TS post, consider his advice about what to edit.
21. Repeat Step 1 until Step 22 is achieved.
22. Decide not to take Selax's advice, and to simply post the TS post without editing.
23. Repeat Step 1 until Step 24 is achieved.
24. Post in the TS.

Yeah! thought Wizzy to himself. I should totally check on the Cythera webboard!

Then he went to the movies.

~*THE END*~

Disclaimer: Of course the characters in this story (with the exception of Retsy) are not mine and are used without permission. Furthermore, here's a link to the original Evil Enchantress song: Click

This post has been edited by BreadWorldMercy453: 29 September 2011 - 02:52 PM

The Potluck Party

Disclaimer: This story may appear to use and abuse a variety of characters that the reader may be familiar with. Rest assured that any actual references to characters, real or imagined, is purely coincidental.

"May I have your attention please!" Retsy shouted into her handheld loudspeaker, which was totally unnecessary because everyone was sitting inside a small room in the back of the Saltwax department store. The dim light from several hundred freshly-made candles didn't quite illuminate the entire room, which was otherwise fairly bland (the owners insisted they were too busy with schoolwork to finish decorating).

"Today we'll be conducting the long delayed cooking contest! We were originally planning to hold this back in February, but it was delayed because of-" Retsy lowered her voice and glanced around before finishing, "um, rain. For seven months."

Someone in the audience coughed.

"So, the way this will work," Retsy continued, "We'll go one by one preparing and presenting our dishes to the room. The person who makes a dish that I like the best will win!"

By just mentioning food, Retsy had unintentionally brought attention to all of the delicious aromas that were filling the air, reminding her that she hadn't eaten since breakfast three hours ago. She fidgeted with her oversized black cape to hold back from growling with hunger. "First up will be the Wizard!"

"Thank you for the honor of starting off," Wizard said as he slowly shuffled to his feet. "Especially since I wasn't invited to the first contest," he glared at Retsy, who pretended not to notice.

Wizard walked over to a large iron pot resting above the ground on some strange contraption. "Today I will be making a stew," Wizard narrated a list of ingredients as he dropped them into the soup in the pot. In went the potatoes, carrots, tomatoes, celery, beef, onions, and uncooked noodles. "Each ingredient is the finest, freshest cut available in all of the land. I find that fresh products greatly enhance the richness of the final taste."

Retsy began nibbling at the hem of her cape.

"All that's left now is to cook it," Wizard continued. "For that, I'd also like to demonstrate my newest invention, which we'll be selling starting next week. A much improved version of your favorite cooker, the Waxinator 500!" He lit a branch from one of the candles in the room, kneeled down below the pot, and started lighting the candles on the strange device. "Unlike the 100 series, we now use a full 500 candles to help cook your meal five times faster!"

Everyone sat back in awe and watched as five hundred candles burned away, the flames licking the underside of the iron pot. A moment passed, then two, then five, but yet no bubbles appeared in the stew, and no steam rose from the surface. Meanwhile, the candles were getting lower and lower as the wax melted.

"Well, this is a candle store," Wizard said defensively in response to the disappointed stares. "It should be ready in a month or two, you'll see." He reached forward and turned a knob, lowering the pot closer to the retreating flame.

"We'll move on while we wait," Retsy muttered impatiently. "Does anyone have a dish that doesn't need to be cooked?"

"Mine is ready!" A cheerful voice sung out from the back. Everyone turned their gaze onto Moonshadow, who had a shiny silver bowl covered in a lid.

"What did you bring today?"

"I brought an exotic fruit salad that is a delicacy on my homeworld," the elf said, smiling sweetly.

"Let's see how it is!" Retsy said eagerly as she rushed forward with a small wooden bowl.

Moonshadow lifted the lid off of her pot revealing plump, red round fruit, glistening in a caramel-covered coating. She reached forward with a pair of spoons and lifted the largest, most delicious-looking orb into Retsy's bowl and then scooped up some of the creamy liquid and spread it on top of the fruit. Little white froth formed around the edges of the bowl.

Retsy sat back, sliced off a piece of fruit with her fork, dunked it in the cream, and put it in her mouth. As she was chewing, her face went from delight to a scrunched up look of disgust. She swallowed and then put down the bowl coughing. "Isn't this just a tomato soaked in beer?"

"Why yes!" Moonshadow beamed, "Isn't it delicious? It's a combination of my two favorite foods!" She thought for a moment, "Well, I guess the tomato is optional."

"Who's next?" Retsy coughed out as she reached for a glass of water to wash away the bitter aftertaste of the alcohol.

The door opened, momentarily blinding everyone with sunlight as Yomu stumbled in, shutting the door behind him. "Hey guys, what's going on?"

"We're making a stew," Wizard said proudly.

"Today is the cooking contest," Avatara replied, filling in for Retsy, who was frantically downing a second glass of water.

"Cooking contest? Why, I've got the best idea for an entry for that! When is it?" Yomu shone with excitement. Nobody said a word for a moment of awkward silence. Yomu looked around, from Wizard crouching in front of a pot over a lot of candles to Moonshadow, who was holding a silver bowl with some fruit that somehow smelled like they had spent some time in a tavern. His smile faded as he realized what was going on.

"You forgot to bring something?" Retsy's voice had a trace of disappointment as she set down the empty mug.

"Oh, no no! Of course I brought something!" Yomu replied nervously. "I've been waiting for this ever since it was announced!" He sat down and started rummaging through his pack. "See here? I've got um...this big piece of flatbread!" He called out triumphantly, holding the bread up with his left hand as he continued rummaging around. "It goes with this...uh..." he pulled out a wheel of cheese and looked at it. "Cheese. You put the bread around the cheese and you have Yomu's famous sandwich." He tore the bread in half and put it on either side of the cheese. "It's easy to prepare and great for camping trips!"

Yomu's eyes wandered nervously between all of the faces staring back at him. "It tastes even better when the cheese has melted," he suggested hopefully.

"I can let you borrow my cooker when I'm done with it!" Wizard offered.

"No, that's all right!" Retsy dismissed him quickly. She walked over to Yomu and took the cheese sandwich he had offered up. The two small pieces of bread were so dwarfed in size by the giant wheel of cheese that it was a stretch to call it a 'sandwich', but still, food was food. Retsy held it up to her mouth and took a huge bite. "The bread is kinda stale," she remarked after swallowing.

"That's so it can be preserved longer!" Yomu replied, sweat beading on his forehead.

"All right. I guess so far you're winning," Retsy admitted.

"Just wait until you try this delicious stew!" Wizard said. "I think I can smell it cooking!"

"Who do we have left?" Retsy ignored him, looking around.

"Sorry, I can't cook. I'm just here to help with shopping," Avatara said. He pointed at K sitting next to him, "But she's ready to go."

"It looks like I'm the last one," K said, blushing somewhat uncharacteristically. She pushed forward a covered steel pot and lifted the lid, revealing the true source of the delicious aroma everyone was smelling. "I made enough for everyone."

Avatara helped her spoon out a share of her stew into bowls for everybody, except for the Wizard, who was too busy trying to feel the underside of his pot to see if it was warm yet. In concert, everyone dipped their spoon into their steaming bowl and took a bite of the stew.

"It's delicious!" Yomu exclaimed.

"Indeed," Retsy agreed. "Since you prepared it beforehand, why don't you tell us what's in it?"

"Oh the usual," K said dismissively. "Stuff like potatoes, seaweed, and a raw harpy's heart."

Everyone spit out the stew.

Coughing, Retsy resumed her place at the podium. "It looks like we're out of time, and nobody else has a dish-" she glanced at Wizard "-that is readily available. So I'll go ahead and announce the winner." She cleared her throat over the disappointed groaning of the hungry audience. "Today's winner, and the proclaimed best cook of Cythera is-!"

The door flew open, blinding everyone again, as Shanadar rushed into the room, gasping for breath. "WAIT!" he shouted unnecessarily into the loudspeaker he was carrying.

"Did you bring a dish too? We were about to end the contest," Retsy asked.

"No, that's not it," Shanadar paused for a moment, breathing heavily. The blinding sunlight shone in through the opened door behind him. "I came to tell you...we can't announce the winner right now!"

"Why not?" Avatara asked.

"The forum executives just commissioned us for a third GM post. If we announce a winner right now, there will be nothing to follow up with in the next entry!" Shanadar said.

"Oh, so we need to end on a cliffhanger?" K asked.

"That's right! One of you needs to do something completely unexpected, and we'll resolve what happened next time!" Shanadar said.

"I know!" Retsy exclaimed. She hopped down from the podium and ran up to Yomu, who stared up at her in confusion, still holding his half-eaten sandwich.

Retsy grabbed him by his shirt collar, leaned in close, and...

To be continued...

Avatara, on 01 October 2011 - 05:23 PM, said:

Hahahahaha! Honestly, that section of story made me laugh harder than anything else submitted, for whatever reasons!

453's post is awesome too! I think, personally, she's winning this topic so far by her high quality quantity, followed by Avatara and then Selax. Kat gets to be first in her own category for all her artistic contributions!

i just keep drawing so people don't pressure me to write anything

Contrary to my previous post, I wrote something... but only because I need material for my poetry class. (See this post if you're reading this in the future and forgot the context.)

"Kotodama"

This post has been edited by iKaterei: 08 October 2011 - 04:23 PM