Ambrosia Software Web Board: The Tavern at the End of the Universe - Ambrosia Software Web Board

Typically lacking sense and already being confused anyway, the Spammers only paused a moment before charging with renewed fury.

The battle had reached a critical point. It was obvious that one or the other side would soon break...

Jehezekel bounded to his feet, effectively righting the fallen SpamCop. The moment's confused hesitation was all he needed to tie a ribbon around his spoons thus making a spoonchaku. He nearly gouged out several eyes, (mostly his own), before getting into the Spammer hypnotising rhythm of spoonchaku showmanship. The Spammers struggled to resist the effects...

The Spammers and trolls massed for one last attack. They charged at the gate and the defending Cytherans with reckless abandon...

And the Cytherans, realizing the fate of the web-boards lay with their spoonchakus, wiffle bats and metre rulers, fought back like demons.


*OoC* Although strange helmets have no effect on Cytherans, thus destroying my wonderful simile. Phooie. *BiC*

*OoC* Live live live! That's my excuse for double posting. *BiC*
Crazy knew it was time to fall back on her final resource. The Spammers were in greater numbers than the Cytherans, and although the Cytherans had felled huge numbers of the enemies, more came on. The Cytherans wouldn't last for more than a few minutes longer.
Crazy raised her left hand in the air, fingers outspread. She chanted the ancient intonations used for summoning her feared Pool of Character Spawning. A light breeze blew up, whipping teasingly at hems and raising the dust on the battlefield.
Black light speared from her palm, darkening the landscape. The breeze increased, twisting into dustdevils.
A portal, black as midnight, opened in the air in front of her. It seemed to be sucking the colour from the landscape, reducing everything to greyscale.
A horse galloped through, shaking its head, its coat a deep, mahogany brown. It was the only dot of colour on the otherwise barren landscape.
Following it through was a young girl of about eleven, clutching a sword in her dusty brown hand, her hair the colour of the horse's coat. "I thought you'd never let me out!" she said, grinning at Crazy. Crazy could only nod, sweat running down her face from holding the portal open.
Next came a man who was definitely more than half bear, and another that was part eagle. They both shouted their induvidual war-cries, and launched themselves into the fray.
They were coming thick and fast now, male and female, of every species imaginable, and some unimaginable. Thirty, forty, fifty, and more.
Crazy was swaying now, but she was determined to hold the portal for as long as she could. The next wave drove her down on her knees, but she forced herself to stand again. The portal was dimming, turning grey, and colour was leaching back into the world. Crazy was shaking uncontrollably, fighting it, trying to keep the portal whole.
Abruptly it vanished, and she fell back to her knees. The horse, who had stayed behind, reached down and nudged her gently. Smiling weakly despite the pain in her head, she reached up to his neck. The horse knelt, and Crazy dragged herself onto his back. She passed out as he brought her back to the gate.

cache, too, launched the final weapon in his arsenal. With a touch of a button on the control panel, a blinding light shone directly down on front of the gate. The glow slowly gathered in, takingon the form of an angelic being of pure white light.

The angel opened its mouth and began to sing, it's voice resonating like tuned crystal. Spammers within the sound of the angel's voice found themselves wafting over to the steel cage.

"PureMessage", cache remarked, for anyone who was listening.

Abruptly, the angel's melody ceased. With a great warcry, the spammers took heart and surged through the gaping entrance.

Nummy stared up at the angel, trying to see what was wrong with it. To her surprise, she saw words blinking in the angel's blank and unfocused eyes.

"Updating," said one eye.

"Definitions," said the other.

Selax raised his hands, preparing to Smite the spammers (Crazy's characters, just to prevent them from overwhelming the board). Suddenly, a shadow fell across him, and he looked up.

"Uh oh...I'll be back!" he said, as a giant book labeled School fell on him (incidentally, it also crushed the spammers)...

This post has been edited by Selax: 27 April 2007 - 10:24 PM

Crazy's horse reared, just getting her out of the way of the immense School-book in time. As it was, Crazy nearly slipped off and under it, but she just managed to stay on.
The horse continued towards the gate, watching out for any more flying objects.

Heavy storm-clouds gathered overhead, threatening the battle field with extreme soakage. Lightning crashed overhead, and the spammers started running for cover, sheltering their laptops as best they could. Jehezekel laughed, and chased them, the rain beating against his face and back. ^_^

Kamille pulled out a stained rag and wiped the binary off of his blade. as he rubbed out a '1', he noticed a spammer quickly posting in a dry corner. grabbing his short sword, he quickly tied his hojo* chord to the hilt and threw it with all his might. spearing the spammer right through the monitor, it let out a howl akin to that of dial-up sign-on chatter, which faded into the wind and rain.

*hojo chord: the rope of the samurai. hojo-jutsu, which was its primary use, translates roughly to "the art of tying people up with a rope."

And so the battle against the Spammers ended. They scurried off back to their dens, and there was once more peace in the realms of Cythera. The heroes who had so bravely battled the dread foe returned slowly to the more habitable regions, and sought for a decent medic to bind their wounds.

During this time, Jehezekel's term as secretary expired, and Secretary was ousted from the office. It is rumoured that she now haunts the utility passages. Nobody has returned to confirm or deny these rumours, mostly because nobody has gone to find out. It is as yet unknown what Crazy's reaction will be when she learns that she's the new secretary.

Midnight some days later, the giant book still remained where it had fallen on Selax. All of the other debris had been cleared up and the damage repaired.

Suddenly, it began to move. Then, it was blasted off the ground and flew away into the distance.

A dark figure rose off of the ground and stood, facing toward the Web Board. After a few moments, it started to walk toward the building. When it reached the door, it found a note that read: Welcome to the Cythera Web Board. We are currently celebrati—mourning Sely's fortuna—unfortunate demise.

Mildly annoyed, Selax opened the door and entered the building, already planning a reign of terror...

This post has been edited by Selax: 18 May 2007 - 11:20 PM

His first step brought him tumbling over Jehezekel, who was sitting cross-legged in the doorway. The loud noise that was produced attracted no attention however, not even Jehezekel's, for he merely mumbled "sorry" and shifted to the edge of the hall.

Greatly annoyed by the lack of attention to the topic, Selax turned, picked up Jehezekel, and threw him down the hallway.

Then, he decided to go spam wiki to bother 453. After that, he thought that he might go and shave Wizard's beard. Selax continued down the hallway, plotting how to revive the topic through terror.

Jehezekel attempted to twist around as he flew through the air, "Selax! You're alive!" *Crash* *Thunk* he landed on a hat table. "Welcome back!" but Selax had already disappeared into a side room.

Selax soon reached his room and entered it, activating the security system again behind him. He turned on his computer and activated the intercom system. He set it to broadcast all over the building (except anywhere where it might annoy Avatara, Katerei, or Cache since he didn't really want any of them trying to kill him).

Then, he began to broadcast wikipedia links to see if would bother anyone into activity...

453 was lying leisurely in an empty corner, doing a jigsaw puzzle and pretending to be working on a post, when screens all around her began flashing. But not flashing just anything. It was wiki-links.

453 screamed in agony, and it took her several minutes to work up the strength to pick up her bolster, and run off to find who she suspected was behind this most horrid crime. She flinched every time she walked past a wiki-linking screen.

453 walked purposefully down a hallway, which she thought was the way to Sely's room (even though she had chosen the hallway by playing eenie-meenie-miney-mo), but was indeed, a dead-end. 453 was cruelly reminded that she never learned her way around this place.

Sure that she could not survive going back through the hallway of wiki-links, 453 felt quite stuck. But it was then that she remembered her damsel-in-distress training, so she screamed for help as loud as she could. She then fell to the floor and covered her eyes with her bolster, trying to block out the awful wiki-links that she could still see in the distance.

Then, Selax's voice came over the intercom: "To anyone who might be listening, I suspect that 453 is in a bit of trouble right now. If you want to save her, then you must do one task for me: slay Wizzy for his inactivity as a warning to others! If one of you does not attempt this task in ten minutes, I will have the computer start to read the wiki-links aloud!"

Then, he laughed evilly and turned off the intercom...

Jehezekel's back crackled ominously as he rose slowly to his feet. *Crash* he stamped his foot, breaking the small table in two. Shards from the mirror that used to be on the wall sparkled redly as they scattered across the floor, reflecting the light of the dying sun beyond the open doorway. *Sn-nap* Jehezekel wrenched two legs off the broken hat-table, and hurled them at the nearest monitor. They shattered harmlessly on the thick Plexiglas screen, showering him with splinters. He shakily made his way to Selax room, and knocked.
~~~~~~
*Knock* *knock*
A piece of paper slid under Selax' door: "I challenge [Selax] to a duel, at the gazebo, at [five minutes from now], with boffer weapons. ~Jehezekel"
~~~~~~
The wall behind Nummy pivoted around its axis, plunging her into the peaceful silence of the dank caverns below. Where once the constant hum of monitors besieged her ears, they were now caressed by a soft whispery sound, and Nummy was abducted by a horde of mysterious dust-bunnies.

This post has been edited by Jehezekel: 27 May 2007 - 09:07 PM

Puzzled, Selax stared at the note. He thought he'd rigged the door well enough to prevent anything from being slid underneath it. He shrugged and made a mental note to have that fixed.

He slid his reply back under the door.

Jehezekel:

I have little intention of making myself vulnerable to a mass attack or leaving my room in a position to be broken into.

Kill Wizard!

Selax

Another note slipped through Selax' door, "Then we could have the duel in your room!"

Crazy woke, blinking sleepily. The horse had left her in one of the many twisty corridors of the CCC, and the wall colour meant she was -somewhere- near the main office.
She got up slowly, groaning at the pain in her head, and tottered slowly towards the office and the first-aid box.

The office computer was malfunctioning (again), and was printing wikilink after wikilink from all seventeen printers. Crazy got herself some aspirin and shut off the power to all the printers and the computer. After waiting her customary five seconds, she switched all the power back on. And as the light switched on, she saw a note on the desk. It read:
Dear Crazy,
I hereby inform you that you are the CCC's new secretary. Thank you for volunteering for the duty this month.
Selax.
She read it twice, completely speechless.
"Since when did I volunteer to be the secretary? In fact, I explicitly told you, Selax, that being the secretary was the last thing in Cythera I wanted to do!"
Rebooting the computer to install the solution to her dilemma, she heard Selax himself over the intercom.
"To anyone who might be listening, I suspect that 453 is in a bit of trouble right now. If you want to save her, then you must do one task for me: slay Wizzy for his inactivity as a warning to others! If one of you does not attempt this task in ten minutes, I will have the computer start to read the wiki-links aloud!"
Quickly she installed a program on the office computer she had created in case she got landed with the job of secretary. Codenamed 'Dead Chronicle', it sent large amounts of office figures, spam and bills to Selax's computer, to make it look like she was doing her job. Then she carefully twisted the security camera round so it faced the wall.
She spent thirty seconds doing a little dance the middle of the floor, singing, "Loophole! Loophole! I found a loophole!"
Then she set off towards Wizzy's office, talking to herself.
"You see, CC - hah, that rhymes, nice - Selax only said if no-one attempts to kill Wizzy, he'd get the computer to read the wiki-links aloud. He never said that Wizzy had to be killed to save 453. See? Intelligence every time. Trust you to come up with a solution. By the way, that program was a nice touch. Why, thank you, CC. Don't..."
She turned a corner and her monologue was mercifully cut off.

*OoC*
Actually, I did say that Wizzy has to be killed to save 453: the threat of reading the wiki-links aloud is just to get someone to make the effort.

By the way, Jehezekel decided to make you secretary in his post, so blame him.
*BiC*


Annoyed, Selax finished fixing the flaw in the door that allowed notes to be slid under it. Then, he opened the peephole (which was still filled with several inches of sturdy glass) in the door and glared at Jehezekel.

"I have no intention of letting my guard down and leaving myself open to a mass attack. Go! Kill the Wizard! Do not make me loose the cat upon you!" he stated and closed the peephole.

"You are a Cowardly Custard!" Declared Jehezekel, "Loose the kittie, you dishonourable wiki-SPAMMER!"

Selax made a mental note to add a trapdoor to the floor outside of his room, so he would be able to drop people down it if they bothered him.

He opened the peephole.

"If you wish to save 453, you would stop trying to convince me to give up an advantageous position for little reason and kill the Wizard. Now, goodbye!"