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ATTENTION DAN-D-MAN AND BLOOD EAGLE:
Those jokes are not tasteless. They just suck. There is a huge difference.
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dude3--the ketchup bottle in your wine rack.
Quote of the Week- "Eleven and she was gone. Eleven is when we waved good-bye. Eleven is standing still, waiting for me to free him by coming home. -Tool
Stupid Joke of the Day
#151
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Posted 06 August 2002 - 11:40 PM
"For a writing to be a writing it must continue to 'act' and to be readable even when what is called the author of the writing no longer answers for what he has written..."
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
MultiQuote
#152
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Posted 07 August 2002 - 12:24 PM
This is good:
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Quote
Originally posted by Thrakem in B&B:
There is also this, from the same guy:
Pretty cool...
Cows are kinda funky.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the
six
cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all
seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the
company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new
president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance
sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
In order to compete with the subsidised farmers of Europe and America
you
sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
them
worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk
themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You work hard and then you have five cows.
The Russian Mafia calls on you in a stretch Mercedes. You now have no
cows
but lots of packets filled with white powder.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A DUTCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows - that can talk... and change colour. Look at all the
colours!
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
The one on the left is kinda cute...
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman
who reported the numbers.
There is also this, from the same guy:
Pretty cool...
Cows are kinda funky.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the
six
cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all
seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the
company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new
president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance
sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
In order to compete with the subsidised farmers of Europe and America
you
sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
them
worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk
themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You work hard and then you have five cows.
The Russian Mafia calls on you in a stretch Mercedes. You now have no
cows
but lots of packets filled with white powder.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A DUTCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows - that can talk... and change colour. Look at all the
colours!
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
The one on the left is kinda cute...
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman
who reported the numbers.
------------------
"You will find that your device is highly non-functional...." - Bad Guy
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#153
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Posted 07 August 2002 - 07:05 PM
Quote
Originally posted by Dan-D-Man:
Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but we amputated the wrong leg
Patient: OH MY GOD!!!
Doctor: Well, the good news is that the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes!
Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but we amputated the wrong leg
Patient: OH MY GOD!!!
Doctor: Well, the good news is that the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes!
Arrgh! Stole Mine! And ignore dude3, or don't tell Windows jokes, as he is a PC user.
Knob
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Join The Parenthese Club!
[url="http://"http://www2.communityzero.com/parenthese"]here[/url]
Hyperbole is the best thing ever!
#154
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Posted 07 August 2002 - 07:27 PM
Quote
Originally posted by The Journalist:
Arrgh! Stole Mine! And ignore dude3, or don't tell Windows jokes, as he is a PC user.
Knob
Arrgh! Stole Mine! And ignore dude3, or don't tell Windows jokes, as he is a PC user.
Knob
You will pay for your blasphemy.
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dude3--the ketchup bottle in your wine rack.
Quote of the Week- "Eleven and she was gone. Eleven is when we waved good-bye. Eleven is standing still, waiting for me to free him by coming home. -Tool
"For a writing to be a writing it must continue to 'act' and to be readable even when what is called the author of the writing no longer answers for what he has written..."
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
#155
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Posted 07 August 2002 - 08:14 PM
As a matter of fact, Windows is superior to Mac. No offense. Well, at least Windows XP and ME are. But having a Windows doesn't mean dude3 can be so obnoxious. 
What, you think it's a joke?
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A question can never be too hard. -Blood Eagle
Current Plug-ins:
Black Inferno
SOS (Shadows of Salril)
What, you think it's a joke?
------------------
A question can never be too hard. -Blood Eagle
Current Plug-ins:
Black Inferno
SOS (Shadows of Salril)
#156
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Posted 09 August 2002 - 10:35 AM
A penguin takes a poorly running car into a gas station and asks for it to be checked. The mechanic says ok but he's busy and it will take a while, so would he mind returning in about half an hour? The penguin agrees and heads over to an ice cream shop to wait.
The penguin orders a large vanilla ice cream in a cone and starts to eat outside. Its hot out and he's a penguin (you know--no hands) so the ice cream gets smeared all over his face, and he can't find a napkin.
He heads back to the station, and says, "So, what do you think?"
the mechanic says "Well, it looks like you've blown a seal"
The penguin replies, "no, its just ice cream!"
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"The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun."
--P. G. Wodehouse
The penguin orders a large vanilla ice cream in a cone and starts to eat outside. Its hot out and he's a penguin (you know--no hands) so the ice cream gets smeared all over his face, and he can't find a napkin.
He heads back to the station, and says, "So, what do you think?"
the mechanic says "Well, it looks like you've blown a seal"
The penguin replies, "no, its just ice cream!"
------------------
"The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun."
--P. G. Wodehouse
There are only 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
#157
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Posted 09 August 2002 - 12:10 PM
****************
*** SIG TEST ***
****************
OK, I think it works.
Q: What do you call a dirty hairball with large eyes, wings and lives in a garbage can?
A: An owley cat. (Alley cat)
------------------
Prepare to be annihilated, evil scum!
-----------------
Upcoming Plugins: Black Inferno, SOS
*** SIG TEST ***
****************
OK, I think it works.
Q: What do you call a dirty hairball with large eyes, wings and lives in a garbage can?
A: An owley cat. (Alley cat)
------------------
Prepare to be annihilated, evil scum!
-----------------
Upcoming Plugins: Black Inferno, SOS
#158
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Posted 17 August 2002 - 12:04 AM
Quote
Originally posted by Joveia:
This message will be erased. I have foreseen it.
This message will be erased. I have foreseen it.
It's been seven months and this still hasn't been erased.
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dude3--dirt carrot for dust bunnies.
Quote of the Week- "WE ARE IN SILENT RUNNING! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF SILENT RUNNING!? -Space Ghost
"For a writing to be a writing it must continue to 'act' and to be readable even when what is called the author of the writing no longer answers for what he has written..."
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
#159
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Posted 24 August 2002 - 03:28 AM
Two sodium atoms are talking. One says "Hey, I think I just lost an electron." Second one says "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive", the first one states.
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"Companions the creator seeks, not corpses, not herds or believers. Fellow creators the creator seeks -- those who write new values on new tablets.' -- Friedrich Nietzsche
[url="http://"http://www.cafepress.com/homefish"]The Store of Bruce[/url]
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------------------
"Companions the creator seeks, not corpses, not herds or believers. Fellow creators the creator seeks -- those who write new values on new tablets.' -- Friedrich Nietzsche
[url="http://"http://www.cafepress.com/homefish"]The Store of Bruce[/url]
[url="http://"http://www.sourcecod.com/~homefish"] Return of the Webboard Theory Site [/url]
htjyang ol-warone, bal-jajea ki'kaemel
#160
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Posted 24 August 2002 - 02:30 PM
What do you call a blond with two braincells?
Pregnant!!
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See I'm the king of the swingers, the Jungle V.I.P.,
But I've reached the top and had to stop,
And that's what's
botherin' me.
Pregnant!!
------------------
See I'm the king of the swingers, the Jungle V.I.P.,
But I've reached the top and had to stop,
And that's what's
botherin' me.
Never question my science.
#161
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Posted 25 August 2002 - 03:28 PM
Quote
Originally posted by Limax:
What do you call a blond with two braincells?
Pregnant!!
What do you call a blond with two braincells?
Pregnant!!
That's pushing the limit.
A party of economists was hiking in the Himalayans. They get lost. One gets out a map, compares it with distant landmarks, and says "Hey, see that mountain? According to the map, we're standing on top of it."
If at first you don't succeed…lie
If at first you don't succeed…deny you ever tried(did i say this already?)
If at first you don't succeed…lower your standards
If at first you don't succeed…drink a lot, and you'll forget what you failed to achieve
If at first you don't succeed…Slap The Journalist a lot, because he doesn't have the answer to your problems anymore[sniff] AAAAARRRgh!
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The Journalist- International Man of Markers
Hyperbole is the best thing ever!
#162
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Posted 30 August 2002 - 10:38 PM
Alright, all, I'm finally back fom the first week of high school. Scary.
A lawyer is driving down the street in a limo, and he sees two men eating grass. So he pulls over and asks "Why are you eating grass?"
One guy answers "I just lost my job, and there's no food, and I'm starved, so i eat grass. Better than nothing"
The lawyer replies "Come to my office, there's lots of good food there"
The man says "I have a wife and two kids, so…"
"No problem," says the lawyer, "Get in"
"What about me?" says the second man.
"You too, come on" the lawyer replies.
"I have six kids"
"No problem!" says te lawyer "My grass is very long!"
I heard this joke from-gasp-a lawyer, believe it or not.
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The Journalist- International Man of Markers
A lawyer is driving down the street in a limo, and he sees two men eating grass. So he pulls over and asks "Why are you eating grass?"
One guy answers "I just lost my job, and there's no food, and I'm starved, so i eat grass. Better than nothing"
The lawyer replies "Come to my office, there's lots of good food there"
The man says "I have a wife and two kids, so…"
"No problem," says the lawyer, "Get in"
"What about me?" says the second man.
"You too, come on" the lawyer replies.
"I have six kids"
"No problem!" says te lawyer "My grass is very long!"
I heard this joke from-gasp-a lawyer, believe it or not.
------------------
The Journalist- International Man of Markers
Hyperbole is the best thing ever!
#163
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Posted 31 August 2002 - 10:07 PM
SJD- five pages long!
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dude3--dirt carrot for dust bunnies.
Quote of the Week- "It sure is hard coming up with a new quote every week." -dude3
[This message has been edited by dude3 (edited 08-31-2002).]
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dude3--dirt carrot for dust bunnies.
Quote of the Week- "It sure is hard coming up with a new quote every week." -dude3
[This message has been edited by dude3 (edited 08-31-2002).]
"For a writing to be a writing it must continue to 'act' and to be readable even when what is called the author of the writing no longer answers for what he has written..."
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
#164
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Posted 01 September 2002 - 07:23 PM
Quote
Originally posted by dude3:
SJD- five pages long!
SJD- five pages long!
Thank you for repeatedly pointing out the excessivly obvious.
What's black, white, and red?
A sunburned zebra
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"Nobody pays attention anymore"
"What?"
Hyperbole is the best thing ever!
#166
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Posted 02 September 2002 - 10:41 PM
This is a rather long one:
A woman and her son went to the local hospital. The doctor asked her what was the problem. She answered that her son was suffering from extreme depression that couldn't be cured, even by the world expert. The doctor chuckled and said that he had a simple remedy, but he had to go home and get the equipment first.
The next day, the woman met the doctor at the hospital as promised. The doctor carried in one hand, a tranquilizer, and in the other, a chainsaw. After a few minutes, the doctor told her to go home, and that her son had to stay for a few days.
The next day, there was a big headline in the local newspapers: LOCAL DOCTOR ARRESTED FOR MURDER.
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Disadvantage has its own advantages. - Commodore Vahrn La'harrh
A woman and her son went to the local hospital. The doctor asked her what was the problem. She answered that her son was suffering from extreme depression that couldn't be cured, even by the world expert. The doctor chuckled and said that he had a simple remedy, but he had to go home and get the equipment first.
The next day, the woman met the doctor at the hospital as promised. The doctor carried in one hand, a tranquilizer, and in the other, a chainsaw. After a few minutes, the doctor told her to go home, and that her son had to stay for a few days.
The next day, there was a big headline in the local newspapers: LOCAL DOCTOR ARRESTED FOR MURDER.
------------------
Disadvantage has its own advantages. - Commodore Vahrn La'harrh
#167
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Posted 10 October 2002 - 10:59 PM
That joke sucks.
Long live SJD!!
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dude3--dirt carrot for dust bunnies.
Quote of the Week- "Being obsolete isn't too bad." -- The Journalist
Long live SJD!!
------------------
dude3--dirt carrot for dust bunnies.
Quote of the Week- "Being obsolete isn't too bad." -- The Journalist
"For a writing to be a writing it must continue to 'act' and to be readable even when what is called the author of the writing no longer answers for what he has written..."
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
#168
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Posted 10 October 2002 - 11:42 PM
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
so they can stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
for stamping-out flaming ducks.
------------------
See I'm the king of the swingers, the Jungle V.I.P.,
But I've reached the top and had to stop,
And that's what's
botherin' me.
so they can stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
for stamping-out flaming ducks.
------------------
See I'm the king of the swingers, the Jungle V.I.P.,
But I've reached the top and had to stop,
And that's what's
botherin' me.
Never question my science.
#169
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Posted 14 October 2002 - 08:04 PM
Why do the British drink warm soft drinks?
Their refrigeraters ar made by Lucas
Why don't the British make computers?
They can't make them leak oil.
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"Who's the lackey now?"-dude3
Their refrigeraters ar made by Lucas
Why don't the British make computers?
They can't make them leak oil.
------------------
"Who's the lackey now?"-dude3
Hyperbole is the best thing ever!
#170
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Posted 14 October 2002 - 09:25 PM
Quote
Originally posted by The Journalist:
Why do the British drink warm soft drinks?
Their refrigeraters ar made by Lucas
Why don't the British make computers?
They can't make them leak oil.
Why do the British drink warm soft drinks?
Their refrigeraters ar made by Lucas
Why don't the British make computers?
They can't make them leak oil.
Those don't make a lick of sense.
Interestingly enough, we are each quoting each other in our sigs.
------------------
dude3--dirt carrot for dust bunnies.
Quote of the Week- "Being obsolete isn't too bad." -- The Journalist
"For a writing to be a writing it must continue to 'act' and to be readable even when what is called the author of the writing no longer answers for what he has written..."
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
#171
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Posted 26 October 2002 - 02:17 PM
Quote
Originally posted by dude3:
Those don't make a lick of sense.
Those don't make a lick of sense.
Lucas was the part manufacturer for old British cars. About half their products don't work
The cars were famous for leaking oil
------------------
"Who's the lackey now?"-dude3
Hyperbole is the best thing ever!
#172
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Posted 26 October 2002 - 02:37 PM
Quote
Originally posted by The Journalist:
Lucas was the part manufacturer for old British cars. About half their products don't work
The cars were famous for leaking oil
Lucas was the part manufacturer for old British cars. About half their products don't work
The cars were famous for leaking oil
My mistake. I guess that means they just suck.
------------------
dude3--dirt carrot for dust bunnies.
Quote of the Week- "Being obsolete isn't too bad." -- The Journalist
"For a writing to be a writing it must continue to 'act' and to be readable even when what is called the author of the writing no longer answers for what he has written..."
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
#173
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Posted 26 October 2002 - 02:57 PM
Quote
Originally posted by dude3:
My mistake. I guess that means they just suck.
My mistake. I guess that means they just suck.
Don't all my joke suck?
------------------
"""People quote me as saying things that I havn't said"-dude3"-Me"-dude3
Hyperbole is the best thing ever!
#174
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Posted 26 October 2002 - 03:10 PM
Quote
Originally posted by The Journalist:
Don't all my joke suck?
Don't all my joke suck?
These ones especially.
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dude3--dirt carrot for dust bunnies.
Quote of the Week- "Stare into my Nipples of the Future!" --Really Really Big Man
"For a writing to be a writing it must continue to 'act' and to be readable even when what is called the author of the writing no longer answers for what he has written..."
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
Jacques Derrida, "Signature Event Context"
#175
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Posted 26 October 2002 - 04:04 PM
Quote
Originally posted by dude3:
These ones especially.
These ones especially.
[sigh]
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"""People quote me as saying things that I havn't said"-dude3"-Me"-dude3
Hyperbole is the best thing ever!
