Ambrosia Software Web Board: something funny to think about - Ambrosia Software Web Board

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy . . . a few statements to ponder by the king of ambiguity, George Carlin.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
45. If you try to fail, and then succeed, which have you done?
46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

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"At ----- , bullcrap is our most important product"
-graffiti on the lavatory wall of a major consultancy (from The Wizardry Consulted)

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Nope — you would just explode.

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—Joolzman5, that guy with the spikey red hair.
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That is the funniest thing I have read in months!

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47. If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
48. If mini-marts are open 24 hours a day, then why do they have locks on the doors?
49. What would chairs look like if people's knees bent the other way?


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For the LAST TIME- I DIDN'T TAKE THE COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR !!!!!!!!!

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Hmmm...makes you wonder the reliability of evolution, dosen't it?


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This is so funny! HAHA!!!

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Do I talk too much?
DoItalktoofast?
Do I ask too many questions?
I wonder...

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Not at all. To me, monkeys and apes are an improvement over an alarming number of humans, perhaps as high as 50% of humanity...

Then again, those numbers might be skewed, as I attend an American Public High School. I also get the classes with all the <censored synonym for "nonvirtuous">s in them.

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Formerly-Rampant Human-Coded AI

[This message has been edited by Fleet Admiral Darkk (edited 05-21-2001).]

Ah, the virtues of public education. That said, I'm at one of the most expensive private schools in Sydney, so I guess I can't really complain.

George Carlin. Funny man him.

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Sundered Angel,
The One and Only
Ares Webboard Moderator, and all-around Nice Guy

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Makes you wonder how true evolution is, dosen't it?

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Do I talk too much?
DoItalktoofast?
Do I ask too many questions?
I wonder...

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Mie schoo's betterest than yurs.

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Do I talk too much?
DoItalktoofast?
Do I ask too many questions?
I wonder...

I think Evolution is just an excuse for those who fear a more powerfull being. I mean if we say that we were created from nothing then we have no concequences of being punished. Anyhow, who here is actually proud to say that your great ancester was a mammal with overgrown hair who ate fleas and stuck there fingers up their butt.

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No one gets what they wish for,
They get what they work for.

I got a new title at school today;

C.J. (the initials of my first and middle name) the Homicidal Hamster with a fetish lust for killing!

Now ain't that nice?

Now, what was the topic about anyway?

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This Vid is a bit like my beast; extremely long, and best enjoyed with a mouthful of nuts.
-Ali G.

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Nah, I don't consider it an excuse. I consider it to be something that has extreme amounts of scientific fact behind it. And who says you can't have a god and evolution at the same time? The religious group I know of that would have a problem with evolution would be Creationists, which can believe whatever they want, in my opinion. But I think both evolution and religion are real, and they can work together.

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"Thou shalt not be a loser."
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Reviews are appreciated.

I look at it like this:

If there is a deffinate being we can safely say is God, then discrediting evolution is a tarnish to that being's name. Think about it-time is a useful tool for a timeless being with the ability to express its imagination in physical form. Evolution is merely the drift of ideas within that imagination. It could also be the means through which to accomplish something (i.e. human consciousness).

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The Oracular Net would like to know your favorite color
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Unfortunatly, I know some people who SHOULD be proud they evolved from dirty, hairy monkeys that stuck their fingers in various places.

I, however, am quite proud to say I'm a billion years in the making .

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Formerly-Rampant Human-Coded AI

I sense a long topic coming up...

here's my 2 cents--> "..IT'S ALL GOOD.."

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ramble on..
--Jimmy Page
[list]
[*](1st Class Zacha Admiral and guitar legend throughout the sol system.)

Hey guys, why don't we switch the topic to something else before someone gets real deffensive. I'm sure that there is something else that Peimur1 posted that would be interesting to talk about.

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No one gets what they wish for,
They get what they work for.

yeah...how did this topic end up talking about monkeys and evolution and creationism and all that? it cant just be that one line about why we have monkeys when we evolved from monkeys...and cant we talk about something like why we really cant shoot at tourists during tourist season...and i have a couple more...

from The Consultant's Handbook:
1.Never tell them the truth until you check to find out what the truth is today.
2.The problem with being a miracle worker is that everyone expects you to work miracles.
3.Just because someone is hard-working and ambitious doesn't mean that person has the least idea what is going on.
4.If you can delay solving a problem long enough, one of three things will happen: The problem will become so large that it destroys the organization, everyone gets so used to living with the problem that it ceases to be a problem, or the problem solves itself. In cases two and three, you win. Meanwhile you dont make enemies by rocking the boat.
5.While ignorance and stupidity may debar a person from solving a problem, it is no handicap at all when it comes to screwing up someone else's solution.
6.Expert: Anyone more than 100 miles from home carrying a briefcase.
7.Just because it doesn't work the way you expected doesn't mean it's useless.
8.The Consultant's Three Rules of Crisis Management:

[*]1) When Life Hands You A Lemon, Make Lemonade.

[*]2) When Life Hands You A Hemlock, Don't Make Hemlock-ade.

[*]2a) Always Know The Difference Between A Lemon And A Hemlock.
9.The essential difference between a consultant and an owner is that it's not the consultant's butt on the line.
-Marginalia in a copy of The Consultants' Handbook
And if it is your butt on the line you've screwed up big time.


Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

[*]Clarke's Law
Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.

[*]Anderson's Reformulation of Clarke's Law
Any sufficiently advanced anything is indistinguishable from utter nonsense.

[*]Digby's Generalization of Clarke's Law
Especially if it is sufficiently advanced nonsense to begin with.

[*]Zumwalt's Corollary to Digby's Generalization of Clarke's Law


History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells "Can't you remember anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club.

[*]John W. Campbell


[note: all these quotes came from a novel The Wizardry Consulted]

Thats all folks...for now...and feel free to post anything else funny here...

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"At ----- , bullcrap is our most important product"
-graffiti on the lavatory wall of a major consultancy (from The Wizardry Consulted)

[This message has been edited by Piemur1 (edited 05-24-2001).]

I know a lot of these... If only I could remember...

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Cotton Mouse
Ares Webboard Moderator with a fuse shorter than a mouse's tail

50) If a piano player is a pianist, is a race car driver a racist?
51) "It's a strange world of language when skating on thin ice can get you into hot water"
-Frankllin P. Jones
52) You can reach for the stars … but keep in mind you're a substantial distance off.
53) There are many stupid things in this world, GR is just one of them.
54) Stupid people in PA who think they can take our galaxy is number 2 (-Pyro)
55) Peecee users are #0
56) A stitch in time saves Earth from the Borg.
57) Or Humback-Whale-Like-Space-Probes.
59) Learn to count.

Except for #54, 52+ I made up while writing the post.

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What others can travel so far into so many universes yet remain so deeply rooted in their own?
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[This message has been edited by Pallas Athene (edited 05-25-2001).]

59 1/2) If pro is the opposite of con, isn't progress the opposite of congress? (stolen from someone's sig )

One thing about evolution; Darwin was joking when he came up with it! Darwin was always a joker and a lyer when he grew up. He was kidding around saying that people evolved from apes. On a documenary made from the writings of his journal and other people's journals who knew, said that on his death bed he did two things; became a christian, and admitted that he was fooling around about evolution. And if evolution is true, why do we have fossils over a million years old of apes and other animals evolutionists say came around only half a million years ago? (as you can tell I'm not for evolution)

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[This message has been edited by Ultimate Rebel (edited 05-29-2001).]

[quote]Originally posted by Ultimate Rebel:
59 1/2) If pro is the opposite of con, isn't progress the opposite of congress? (stolen from someone's sig  


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No one gets what they wish for,
They get what they work for.

i am still wondering why all you people are still talking about evolution...why cant you talk about something else that is actually funny? isnt this why i made this thread? why cant you talk about evolution on your own thread? and im sorry but i dont have anymore funny things to talk about for now...but any jokes would be welcome...even interactive ones...

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"At ----- , bullcrap is our most important product"
-graffiti on the lavatory wall of a major consultancy (from The Wizardry Consulted)

Okay, I have a question. Why is it that most of the opera singers are fat.

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No one gets what they wish for,
They get what they work for.

because they have to keep their energy up?

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"At ----- , bullcrap is our most important product"
-graffiti on the lavatory wall of a major consultancy (from The Wizardry Consulted)

That's actually right. Some of them lose 10 pounds a week performing...

/me adds "Opera Singing" to my list of professions to avoid

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Formerly-Rampant Human-Coded AI