Ambrosia Software Web Board: Just Another Ordinary Day - Ambrosia Software Web Board

Feoras swept the floor of Rasmus and Co. Inquiries headquarters. Sweeping the floor was the only thing he could think of to do anymore. They hadn't had any clients in a long time.

"Mwahahahaha!"

Feoras ignored the sound of evil laughter coming from the corner of the room. Anonymous had been doing that ever since he started reading Villainy for Dummies. The noise, however, seemed to wake Princess Danaë, who had been napping on her fur bean-bag chair. She sat up, rubbing sleep from her eyes.

"I am hungry," she announced. Her eyes focused on Feoras. "Go get me some food."

Feoras shrugged, content to have an excuse to get out and get some food. He set down his broom and unlocked the chest where they kept their money. There wasn't much left. The princess had spent most of the booty from their last quest on her bean-bag chair. But, it wouldn't take much to buy a meal - there weren't many people to feed, after all. Feoras took some oboloi and headed out to the market.

There were only four of them left at Rasmus and Co. these days - Rasmus, Anonymous, Danaë, and himself. Alon had never returned after their quest to reunite a ghost with his dead wife. Erica had quit adventuring to write a novel. Pirro had moved to Aerith. And Zak had...

What had happened to Zak? Feoras wondered to himself. Had he moved? Pursued a different career? Feoras couldn't remember. In fact, he couldn't remember Zak leaving. Perhaps he had been kidnapped or something?

Briefly Feoras considered whether he and the others ought to investigate Zak's disappearance, but he concluded that it was unlikely to offer any substantial payoff.

In the market square, Laomedon, the meat-seller, was going on about some special sale. Curious, Feoras approached.

"Today only, roasted turkey at a special introductory price!"

"What's turkey?" asked Feoras, confused.

"A recently-discovered wild bird! Delicious!" exclaimed Laomedon in great excitement. "The Hunters' Guild has declared this day a holiday to celebrate the joy of eating this amazing new bird!"

Feoras gave in and purchased a roast turkey. It did smell good. Maybe for once, Princess Danaë would be pleased with the fare? As he carried the turkey back to headquarters, Antenor came out of his house and started calling to him.

"Oy, you!"

Feoras smiled innocently. "Morning, mister Antenor."

"Where's my rent?" demanded Antenor.

Feoras fidgeted. Antenor owned the building that Rasmus & Co Inquiries had made their headquarters. They were supposed to pay him monthly installments, but since they hadn't had any clients, & therefore hadn't had any income lately, they were a few months behind. Feoras thought fast.

"Oh, didn't you get it? It must have gotten lost in the mail!"

"I live next door," Antenor pointed out.

"Yeah, the postal system is so inefficient, isn't it? Everything has to go through the central office in the Titan's Spine Mountains..."

"If you do not pay me by tonight, you will be evicted."

Feoras sighed. "Look man, you're not going to get better neighbours than us. Haven't we been good neighbours? No parties, no loud music, no fighting on the front lawn..."

"The evil laughter is annoying."

"Oh, um, I'll let Anonymous know..."

Antenor just kept glaring at Feoras.

"Well, uh, I'll see you around..." said Feoras, turning away and rushing into the headquarters before Antenor could tell him off some more.

"What is that heavenly aroma?" asked Rasmus when Feoras entered.

"Good news, I got us a deal on something called 'turkey'!" Feoras announced.

"Adequate," approved Danaë. "Remove the skin and bones and serve me some."

Feoras was cutting the turkey (not very smoothly), when suddenly the air in the middle of the room shimmered, and a girl appeared. Everyone gasped.

The girl appeared to be about eight years old. Her brown hair was in messy pigtails.

Rasmus jumped up. "Retsy?!" He exclaimed. "What are you doing in this continuity?!"

"Dying!" gasped Retsy. By the time Rasmus reached her, she was dead.

"A girl from another continuity, coming here just to die?" pondered Rasmus. His eyes gleamed. "Gang, it looks like we've got a mystery on our hands!"

“Ooh! I want to help!” Resty said, sitting up suddenly.

“Wait, didn’t we just watch you-” Feoras began.

“Yes! A magnificent death! Grand acting almost as good as my own. You have marvelous talent, little lady.” Rasmus swept off his hat and bowed. Retsy gave him a high-five.

Retsy curtsied. “Seriously though,” she said, “dimension-jumping takes a lot out of you! In my world, not even Selax can do it. So Mister,” Retsy clutched eagerly at Feoras’ leggings. “When do we get to solve the mystery?”

Feoras unsuccessfully attempted to shake Retsy off his leg. “How do you know this girl…?” he asked Rasmus.

“I’m just a fan,” Rasmus explained. “I’ve seen all her stories! You were amazing in The Missing Sorceress,” he gushed. “And who could forget your debut, The Ruffian Encampment? You are an inspiration!”

Retsy waved him off. “Oh, stop! Go on!”

“But what are you doing in this dimension?” persisted Feoras.

“That’s the mystery!” Rasmus reminded him.


“Yay, a mystery!” cheered Retsy. She got up and starting running around the room screaming, “this is amazing! We get to solve a mystery!” Princess Danaë and Anonymous glared at her. “How do we solve the mystery? Do we look for clues?” asked Retsy.

“For starters, what do you know about how you came here?” asked Anonymous.

“I dimension-jumped - I already told you! I was trying to get to the Secret Cow Dimension, but I think I made a wrong turn because I don’t see any cows here.”

Anonymous rolled his eyes. “There is no secret cow dimension, that’s just an urban legend.”

Retsy shook her head vehemently. “NO! I think the Secret Cow Dimension is somewhere on the Nineteenth Storey!”

“So… you randomly jumped through dimensions hoping to discover a Secret Cow Dimension that is widely assumed to be nonexistent?” ventured Feoras.

“That’s right,” Retsy nodded.

“Ah, lass, alas,” lamented Rasmus. “Haven’t you ever seen the great old classic show, LKH (for story)? Traveling through dimensions is wrought with peril, and one could end up anywhere. Why, you’re lucky you ended up here among friendly people, instead of in a hostile land where you would be kidnapped and forced to either do hard manual labour, marry a villain, or be tossed into a Pit of Death!”

“So, that solves the mystery of how you ended up here,” said Anonymous, scribbling something on a piece of paper and handing it to Retsy. “Here’s your bill.”

Retsy glanced at the paper. “WHAT?! That’s a hundred dollars!”

“Um, no, that’s not what the bill says…”

“Oh. I don’t know how to read. Let’s do something fun! Do you want to play ‘run around and fall down’?”

“No,” said Anonymous definitively. Retsy turned to Rasmus.

“Sorry little maid, my gifts lie elsewhere.”

Retsy looked at Feoras.

“Um, as riveting as that game sounds, I have a lot of work to do.” Feoras looked around helplessly for something to occupy himself. He’d already swept the floor. Oh, yes! The turkey! “I have to cut this turkey,” said Feoras victoriously.

“About time!” commented Princess Danaë.

Retsy followed Feoras. “What’s a turkey?” she asked. “Why do you have to cut it? Is it hard? Do you get to use a knife? Do you cut yourself with the knife? Do you have to be very careful? What’s your name?”

Her questions came faster than Feoras could process them, so he only answered two. “Feoras. And no, I don’t cut myself. I’m not a viirelei.”

“Fe-Feory?” asked Retsy uncertainly.

“Feoras,” Feoras corrected her.

“Oh, okay, Fairy!” said Retsy. “Is this your breakfast?”

“I suppose so.”

“That looks boring. What can I do?”

“Go home?” Feoras suggested.

“She can’t do that, of course,” Rasmus reminded him. “It’s much too dangerous, remember?”

“Yeah, Fairy,” Retsy agreed. “It’s too dangerous. Let’s do something exciting! Do you want to play outside?”

“Uh, maybe after breakfast,” said Feoras, to get her off his back.

“Okay!” said Retsy. She bounced along behind Feoras while he finished serving the turkey and ate it, all the while telling him a long & extremely boring story about her imaginary friend, which Feoras tuned out.

“What’s taking you so long?” exclaimed Retsy when she finally finished her story. “I just want to play with you! I’ll die of boredom if you don’t hurry up!”

“All right, how about we play the Quiet Game?”

“I don’t really like that game,” Retsy pouted.

Feoras glanced around, looking for something he could use. “Okay, how about a different game?” he asked as he stood up and led Retsy over to the desk, teeming with piles of legal complaints. Who would’ve thought so many people would be sore over a mistaken demolition of the local drinking establishment?

“Let’s have a drawing competition!” He pulled a piece of paper out of a folder. “Do you see this squiggle on the line at the bottom? The person to make this squiggle on the most pieces of paper wins the contest. Understood?”

Retsy nodded.

“All right. Ready, set, go!”

Retsy tore the top sheet off the stack, sending the other papers flying into the air and hunched over the desk, focusing intently on tracing the squiggle. Feoras watched for a moment before quietly backing up and returning to his chair.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Retsy asked, Feoras’ cup halfway to his mouth.

“I’m giving you a head start,” he replied and downed the rest of his drink.

Retsy kept at the scribbling for three more pages before throwing down the pencil. “This is boring!”

“Nonsense, it’s great fun. There’s no need to whine.”

“I’m not whining, I’m complaining!” Retsy whined. “And my hand is killing me!” She leaned back and fell into the pile of papers, crumpling them.

“Well, at least she’s quiet now,” Feoras said to the scowling Princess Danaë.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Everyone looked up in surprise. A client? “I’ll get it!” exclaimed Retsy, jumping up and running to open the door.

Two ladies in dark robes were at the door. “Good morning,” said one. “I don’t think I’ve met you before. My name is Tavarana.”

“I’m Retsy!”

“Nice to meet you, Retsy. Tell me, do you believe that the scylla are gods?”

“What are scylla?” asked Retsy.

The other robed lady gasped, and the first murmured in reply. “Oh my… The scylla are very powerful and majestic creatures who rule from the sea-”

“Oh, I suppose they’re gods then,” agreed Retsy.

“Great! Have a magazine!” the robed lady offered Retsy a magazine.

“Thanks! Can I have some more?”

“Uh, sure. I’ll sign this place up for our mailing list.”

“Awesome!” Retsy slammed the door on them and admired her new magazine.

“Well then,” Princess Danaë said, standing up in a huff. “What do you intend to do about this unsightly mess?”

Feoras smiled to himself until he realized she was glaring at him. “Wait, it’s not my mess!” he protested.

“There’s no need to whine,” she sniffed indignantly. “Come now, do you really expect this poor little lady to do your work for you?”

“Um, yes. I thought that’s why everyone wanted kids.”

“Bwahahahaha!” Anonymous burst out. When Princess Danaë glanced at him, he coughed and held up his book, “I just read something amusing.”

“What’s your name?” asked Retsy.

“I am Princess Danaë.”

“You’re a princess?”

“The one and only.” Princess Danaë flourished her hair over her shoulder.

“Oh. So you hide in your room all day and shut people out?”

“I have a marvelous idea!” Princess Danaë clapped her hands. She bent ever so slightly, careful not to rumple her dress, and bared her teeth. “How about you and Feoras go play outside?”

“I don’t think-” Feoras began, still picking up and sorting papers.

“Now.”

“Whee!” Retsy squealed as she dragged Feoras to his feet and pulled him out the door. “We can go visit all my favorite places!”

“Um, what places?” he asked.

“Let’s go visit a church!”

“A...church?” Feoras frowned. “We don’t have those here.”

“What?” Retsy gasped. “Then what do you do for fun?”

“Well...Anonymous likes to read books.”

“Oh! I want to see a library!”

“We don’t have any of-” Feoras thought for a moment. There was a magess he had been hired to help a couple months ago who had a collection of books. Of course, the last time he saw her, she had chased him out with a broom for pilfering her copy of 50 Shades of Blue. Come to think of it, she still owed him the oboloi for that job. “Never mind, I know where we can find a library.”

Several moments later, the two of them were standing outside of Anisa’s house. The middle-aged woman opened the door. Her hair was disheveled, her eyes kept staring off into space, and her face was flushed.

“Hi, this little lady here would like to look at some books,” Feoras said, pushing Retsy forward.

“Oh um, I don’t have any books, sorry!” Anisa replied, hiding the book in her hand behind her back. She wasn’t fast enough to prevent Feoras from glimpsing the title.

“Row? Are you reading more Sail fanfiction again?”

“Oh my, you’ve read Sail? Isn’t Tiernan just so dreamy?” she swooned.

“I heard that book isn’t appropriate for kids,” Retsy said, narrowing her eyes.

“And it isn’t!” Anisa’s face turned even redder. “Go on now,” she shooed them away. “All of my books are out on inter-city loans or in need of repair. Some mother in Kosha keeps requesting them and letting her daughters ruin all the pages!”

“Hey, you still haven’t paid me for dusting your bookshelf,” Feoras protested.

Anisa raised her hand as if to throw her book at him, but it slipped out of her fingers and fell to the ground, pages open to the illustration she had been viewing. Her eyes went wide and she shrieked in embarrassment.

“Nope, definitely not for kids!” Feoras quickly covered Retsy’s eyes and led her away. “I never knew Fendul could stretch like that,” he muttered to himself as they went.

They wandered around town a bit until it started getting late and the merchants began to pack up. Retsy’s movements became slower and slower until she started dragging their feet. “Are we there yet?” she asked.

“We’re almost home,” Feoras replied, picking her up before she tripped over her own feet. They just had to go around one more corner, and then…

They bumped into Antenor.

“Feoras. Where’s my rent?”

“Who’s that?” Retsy asked sleepily.

“It’s Antenor. He uh, owns the building you found us in.”

Retsy raised her head and blinked a few times. “Hi Anteater. I’m tired now. Can we play tomorrow?” Without waiting for a reply, she put her head back down and fell asleep in Feoras’ arms.

“I didn’t know you had any children,” Antenor said, peering suspiciously at Retsy.

“She’s not mine. I’m just taking care of her for today,” Feoras replied.

“Oh, I didn’t know you ran a babysitter service. That’s awfully kind of you.”

“Um. Well-”

“I suppose I can forgive your rent after all. If you’re just a charity, I can claim a tax deduction! You should’ve let me know sooner,” Antenor said. He clapped a hand on Feoras’ shoulder and left.

Feoras stood in the street for a moment, stunned speechless. The little girl continued sleeping peacefully in his arms. “I guess I should be thankful you showed up, after all.”

He hoisted the girl over his shoulder and stepped inside Rasmus and Co. Inquiries headquarters.

Aww, that's a sweet ending. Feoras could make a good dad babysitter… assuming Retsy doesn't keep dying.

I liked the references to old TSes, but my favourite part was the Sail fanfiction (I'm obviously biased.) Thank you for nearly making me spit out my cereal laughing.

Haha good one Avatara.

...you took my chron challenge and turned it into something cheerily sentimental .

...I shall have to come up with some method to inconvenience you for that .

Avatara, on 25 November 2014 - 08:31 PM, said:

Ironically, Wizard of Id had a Frozen reference today. Hmm, maybe I should make that a requirement in the Christmas chron challenge...it would save me the trouble of thinking of at least one requirement.

Hey, you are the one who wanted a challenge themed around being thankful for things, so of course you'll get a sentimental story.

By the way, lilyrei has already volunteered to do next year's Valentine's challenge, to be posted in January (cause people need time to write). Don't let her forget!

Avatara, on 05 December 2014 - 04:13 AM, said:

And autocannibalism.

Avatara, on 05 December 2014 - 04:13 AM, said:

But they're supposed to be being thankful for Retsy's death(s) !