Cythera Chronicles: A Cytheran Thanksgiving!

Horrified, Retsinikuma-wraith (also known as Retsy-wraith or She-Who-Does-Not-Participate-In-TSs-Wraith) stared across the store counter at the clerk and the sign next to him. (Actually, Retsy-wraith couldn't read, but she was prone to forgetting that fact.)

"What do you mean I can't buy the latest season of My Little Pony?" she finally gasped when she had partially recovered from her shock.

"It's company policy," the clerk droned. "No life, no service."

Retsy-wraith groaned in frustration. Ever since the Death King--er, that is, Fred--had turned her into a wraith, she'd made a small fortune (a whole 27 oboloi!) by scaring people so badly that they jumped and lost all of the spare change in their pockets. Now, she'd finally decided to spend some of her small fortune, and this had to happen.

"Could you make an exception?" she asked hopefully.

"Not as long as you're a wraith," the clerk replied in a monotone, as though this situation was not at all unusual.

(It actually wasn't. Ever since Fred's semi-retirement, most undead had little better to do than sit around and watch cartoons. Stores had finally had to institute strict policies prohibiting sales to the undead, due to their annoying habit of paying using IOUs.)

Despondently, Retsy-wraith exited the store and slowly crossed the street, trying to come up with a clever method to circumvent the store's policy.

Suddenly, she had a brilliant idea!

(Unfortunately, this event--due to its violation of the laws of nature--precipitated a multiversal catastrophe, resulting in the implosion of a half-dozen realities, at least thirteen devastating wars in other realities, and the ending of widespread support for Snow Leopard; however, only one of these events was really tragic, since no one liked any of those other realities anyway.)

Happily, Retsy-wraith pulled out her phone and dialed Fred's number*.

"Yes?" a muffled voice replied. Fred was experimenting with a voice distorter. He had gotten tired of reading chrons starting to describe his horrible voice and then being too lazy to actually do so.

Retsy-wraith blinked in surprise, thinking Fred had a cold.

"Hi, Fred, it's Retsy. I need you to do me a favor. If you help me, I'll serve you loyally! I'll--"

"--end this call?"

"Yes!" Retsy-wraith cheered and hung up.

Pausing, she wondered why nothing had happened before shrugging and calling back.

"Fred, I think you made a mistake: nothing happened!"

"I meant tell me your favor, I help you, and then you hang up," Fred explained.

Retsy-wraith pondered this notion.

"Okay, I guess that makes sense," she agreed.

"…aren't you going to tell me what you need?"

"Oh! Right! Anyway, I need to make me human again, just briefly."

"Why?" Fred asked, sounding puzzled. "Don't you enjoy getting loose change."

"It's great! I'm really thankful for it!" Retsy-wraith replied enthusiastically before remembering her recent trauma. "But I'm trying to buy the latest season of My Little Pony and they won't sell it to me because I'm a wraith!"

At this point, her fortitude failed, and she burst into tears.

When she was done and had woken Fred (who had fallen asleep at some point in her distress), the conversation continued.

"Why not threaten to sue them for discrimination?

"That would involve going near lawyers," Retsy-wraith squeaked, terrified at the prospect.

"Fine," Fred sighed.

At about the same time, in another reality, two genetically engineered lab mice were bending over a computer keyboard attached to a strange device. The shorter of these two mice, who possessed a larger than normal cranium, examined a nearby computer screen.

"Odd, that ray should have stored the turkey in the computer, but there seems to be no sign of any data."

Pressing a few buttons, he groaned in frustration.

"There seems to have been an anomalous power surge. The turkey could have gone anywhere, possibly even into another universe! Do you realize what this means?"

The taller mouse pondered this for a moment.

"Somewhere on another world, some deranged girl had an intelligent thought and distorted the balance of the multiverse?"

"Nothing so preposterous! It means that our plan to steal the nation's turkey supply and hold Thanksgiving hostage as a stepping stone to global domination has failed!" He sighed. "We should return to the cage and plan for tomorrow night…"

Somewhere, high in the skies above Cademia, a dimensional rift opened and a turkey tumbled out.

Retsy, now living once more, happily started across the street toward the store.

Seeing her, a wail of dismay arose in the city. Dealing with Retsy-wraith and the occasional loss of spare change had been far easier than dealing with Retsy.

At that moment, a turkey fell from the sky and landed on her head.

It was all very sad and sudden (especially for the turkey).

Among the Cademian citizenry, there was much rejoicing.

"She's dead! Again!" Antenor sobbed gladly.

"This strange bird should be forever honored as our greatest hero!" Thuria proposed through her tears of joy.

"Actually, I think it's dead too," Halos observed solemnly.

The citizens paused despondently for a moment.

"How should we honor this fallen saint?" Apis wondered sadly.

"I say we cook it and eat it as part of a celebration of thanksgiving for our deliverance!" Neoptolemus exclaimed (hungrily).

Retsy-wraith stared around her in confusion. This was not itself particularly unusual: she rarely did anything without some degree of confusion. What was unusual was that she seemed to be a wraith again.

Sighing, she pulled out her phone, wandered over to the side of the road, and called Fred again.

As she was doing this, the Cademians, having adopted Neoptolemus' suggestion, hired Dryas's Food Delivery to collect the turkey.

Minutes later, Dryas--who after years of sitting in the sewers doing nothing had decided to try his hand at actually working--drove up in a vegetable cart, pulled by two titans. He was ecstatic. Being called for such an honor was his big chance! Now, he'd really be a success!

Dryas was so excited that he accidentally parked the cart on top of Retsy's mortal remains. He didn't even notice as he hopped off to pickup the turkey which had bounced off to land nearby.

Retsy-wraith finally convinced Fred to restore her to life.

Unfortunately, her body was still under the vegetable cart.

Consequently, Retsy died.

Again.

Again.

And again.

(Dryas was very slow at his job. After all, his only prior experience was standing around in the sewers doing nothing.)

"You must be doing something wrong, Fred," Retsy-wraith said in annoyance, hardly able to believe that Fred was being so careless.

"I don't understand it!" he exclaimed. "I'm practically all-powerful! …wait, let me check something…"

"How does that work?" Retsy-wraith asked in puzzlement.

"Checking? Well, I have an app on my phone that--"

"No, how can you be 'practically' all-powerful?"

"Let's change the subject," Fred replied hurriedly as his examined the app on his phone. "Wait, is that cart sitting on your body?"

"Yes."

"And you didn't mention that?"

"Is it important?"

"…never mind, I'll move it and we'll try again."

Dryas finally managed to load the turkey onto the cart. Stepping down, he began walking around to take the driver's seat once more, still happily considering his good fortune.

At that moment, the cart and the turkey disappeared. The titans were surprised and went stampeding off down the road, out of the city. Ultimately, they reunited with their herd…who had an equally bizarre story about an encounter with a strange ranger and an odd blue woman.

Dryas looked on sadly. It looked like it was back to standing around in the sewers doing nothing.

"Where'd you move it?" Retsy-wraith wondered.

"Does it matter?"

Retsy, now successfully restored to life, finally entered the store, oblivious (as always) to the cries of horror and dismay rising all about her.

She marched triumphantly to the counter.

"Now that I'm no longer undead, you have to let me buy the latest season of My Little Pony!"

(Unfortunately, her attempt at a happy dance ended badly when she tripped. Fortunately, Fred was still watching events on his phone and, to prevent another phone call, brought her back to life again.)

"That policy is no longer in place," the clerk said nervously.

Retsy blinked.

"It isn't?"

"No, we heard that some of the undead were planning to sue claiming discrimination," the clerk replied, slowly backing away.

"Oh."

Instead of completing her purchase (this would have been the sensible thing to do, so Retsy naturally did something else), she stepped back outside the store and pulled out her phone.

"Hello, Fred, listen--"

"I know: the store changed policy and you want to be a wraith again."

"How did you know?"

"I read the previous section."

"What?"

"Er, I mean, I watched it on the app on my phone. Yeah, that's it."

At that moment, the cart and the turkey fell out of the sky. Fred had been lazy and simply relocated them to a higher altitude.

Naturally, they landed on Retsy.

"Never mind," Retsy-wraith told Fred a minute later, amidst cheers from the relieved citizenry.

Thus, the holiday of thanksgiving was created in Cythera, and the tradition of eating turkey was established.

Of course, the lack of turkey in Cythera necessitated invasion of other realities and led to the gradual transition of Cythera's heroes into enforcers of a burgeoning multi-dimensional empire, but more about the devastating series of conflicts known as the Bird Wars and of the internal unrest characterized by the Feather Riots can be found elsewhere.

*Much has been written about the possibility of undead such as wraiths or ghosts using phones. This author has nothing to contribute to this ongoing debate, but those wishing for a more complete explanation of the various sides and their arguments may read Pallas Athene's Physics, Phones, and the Undead. Another possible reference is Rapierian's Everything about the Undead that You'd rather not Hear but I'm Telling You Anyway, although some dispute this author's truthfulness and/or sanity.

BreadWorldMercy453, on 19 January 2015 - 08:51 PM, said:

This story was not at all fair to Retsy, but it was very amusing. I liked the Pinky & the Brain reference, and I think Fred makes a very good retired evil overlord in humor stories ^_^ I hope you write more soon!

I still think Dryas had it worse than Retsy! His life dreams were crushed!

Fred isn't retired--he's still causing trouble elsewhere--so much as lacking the ability to meaningfully appear in TSs. I'm tempted to try turning alt-Alcyon into a recurring villain with a more fitting power level and backstory, but I suspect I'll mangle the effort.

I had actually thought of that idea, Avatara, but, as I mentioned on irc, Fred's already married (even though his wife went missing near the beginning of the multiverse).

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