Ambrosia Software Web Board: Boring Stories That Make No Sense - Ambrosia Software Web Board

Okay, just tell a random story, the more nonsensical the better.

So this pumpkin is sitting on the porch, and a person comes over and kicks it into the flower patch. The pumpkin thinks "that wasn't very nice" and turns into a monkey. Realizing the mistake, the pumpkin-turned-monkey yells "AOOGA" and bites off a nearby squirrel's left ear. This causes the squirrel to suddenly turn invisible. Now, with no regard to previous happenings, a tree falls over, but nobody cares, notices, or is indeed able to see.

Next.

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The Journalist-Supporter of slightly mental Christian music groups
"Toasters-I mean, why havn't these things gotten thier fifteen seconds of fame?"
Join[url="http://"http://www.stanford.edu/group/pandegroup/folding/"]Folding@home[/url] Team 35022

So the other day I'm walking down the street, when this hobo in the gutter asks me for money. I tell him to bugger off and keep walking, but he tells me that if I give him some spare change, he'll share his cookies with me. So I kick him in the head and steal his cookies and leave him for dead in the middle of the road. As I'm walking home, eating the cookies, I see these giant gnats flying around singing "Louie Louie".

I never did find out what was in those cookies.

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dude3 -- an angry lesbian
Quote of the Week- This space for rent.
[url="http://"http://www.something.com"]Something in the way she moves me.[/url] :: [url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Ares+Trash+Talk&number=12&DaysPrune=20&LastLogin="]Support Your Local Once Again Dead Webboard![/url] :: [url="http://"http://www.jesse.com"]Hello Jesse.[/url]


[This message has been edited by dude3 (edited 01-14-2004).]

Let me start off by saying that I've never been too fond of shrimp dip even though it makes for a good silver tarnisher (not to mention a damn fine, yet unlikeable, sarnie) and that this story has nothing to do with beating on the drums of an Indian. If you are looking for a story about someone beating on the drums of an Indian, you should probably look elsewhere.

Let me begin. I was busy with a large cast iron pan, deep frying some good beef toungue empanitas, when I suddenly became aware of a large can of small deveined shrimp on the countertop. Having nothing else to do, I took it upon myself to make a nice batch of shrimp dip seeing as I had a large cube of creme cheese in the fridge. So I'm sitting there with my shrimp dip and a sponge, thinking about the nature of the universe and whatever happened to my making empanitas. As it turned out, I had finished with the empanitas and had set them out on a brown Supermart bag to become less greasy.

Just then I found that a very large black man (not that his being very large or black has anything to do with anything, I'm just giving an accurate description of the scene). He was dressed like a very large black man should be and had stumbled on into my carpeted condominium. He was looking at me so I offered him some shrimp dip.
"Hi there, would you like some shrimp dip?" asked I.
"Naw," he replied, "I don't particularly care much for shrimp dip."
I thought better of expounding on how I didn't care much for it myself, but decided that my story might make me seem like a bit of a Tupperware salesman, so I offered him a empanita.
"Would you like an empanita then?"
"I'm not Irish, you know," said the black fellow, "I am a black fellow."
Unsure about what being Irish or black had to do with the situation at hand, I offered him a bite of my sponge which he kindly declined (which is strange because it was a particularly nice sponge, very fluffy and yellow).

What happened next was a somewhat surprising. The black fellow left through the front door, locking it behind him. I sat down and ate some dip and acted somewhat surprised as I was sure that he was going to try and sell me a multicolored parasol for my fish.

-Pufer

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If a tree falls in the forest and then springs back upright as a joke, do the squirrels freak out?

[url="http://"http://www.winternet.com/~mikelr/flame46.html"]Loopy.[/url]

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[This message has been edited by Shrout1 (edited 01-13-2004).]

Once upon a time there was a software company's board, and there was this poster named Shrout1 who posted in the wrong topic, only to be ridiculed by another poster making a boring story about Shrout1's post, and he was also very witty about it and got lots and lots of karma.

THE END

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It really sucks to have a boring sig. You know, the kind that drones on forever and never really says anything. I try my best to never have one of those. Every time I make a new sig I try to get it to be a truly outstanding sig. Some people have sigs like that. With neat (EVula) links and stuff. Witty quotes are good too. But then some people have really, really, boring sigs that you'd die before reading more of. They just go on, and on, and on...those sigs really annoy me. I mean, they say nothing and nobody really cares anyway! I pity the people who have those.

Quote

So yours is a work of fiction then?

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Azzy: Still screwed up.
"Man, I wish I was a Bush. I've always wanted to be some kind of shrubbery." -Pufer
"Hey, I'm not the one who wanted Gay Sex to become a moderator." -Avatara
"I find that unaccountably disturbing."-Sundered Angel

[This message has been edited by Azeroth (edited 01-13-2004).]

[quote]Originally posted by Azeroth:
 So yours is a work of fiction then?  

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It really sucks to have a boring sig. You know, the kind that drones on forever and never really says anything. I try my best to never have one of those. Every time I make a new sig I try to get it to be a truly outstanding sig. Some people have sigs like that. With neat (EVula) links and stuff. Witty quotes are good too. But then some people have really, really, boring sigs that you'd die before reading more of. They just go on, and on, and on...those sigs really annoy me. I mean, they say nothing and nobody really cares anyway! I pity the people who have those.

[edit] Sorry, thought better of it.
*µ, this is a skill you should practice [/edit]
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Azzy: Still screwed up.
"Man, I wish I was a Bush. I've always wanted to be some kind of shrubbery." -Pufer
"Hey, I'm not the one who wanted Gay Sex to become a moderator." -Avatara
"I find that unaccountably disturbing."-Sundered Angel

[This message has been edited by Azeroth (edited 01-13-2004).]

Once upon a time there was a unicorn and a hot dog. These two friends, also known as the cow and the horse, got along fine in the African Tundra until one day they set out to have an adventure. The grasslands were of those African variety, where they are dry, there are no trees, and all one sees is just grass and shrubs. As the pig and the donkey crossed these grasslands they found something that astonished them both. It lay on the ground, hardly visible, the mud almost cloaking its incredible glory. These two creatures had stumbled across a rock in the dirt. Satisfied, the dinosaur and the crocodile decided they'd had enough adventure and returned home, passing by a squirrel.

You know, there's a squirrel that lives around here. He's quite annoying, makes squirrely noises and tries to break into my attic. Why do they even make attics? You always hear about them in old stories and poems, but few people seem to use them. The magic of the attic is in reality nothing more than a dusty unnecessary room on top of the house that gathers spiderwebs, fiberglass dust, and squirrels. Its sort of like magic in lamps, you know, when you clap your hands and the guy inside the lamp does something and the light magically turns on. Not like turning on leprechauns, that's a whole 'nother story, but more like turning on the vacuum cleaner, or bribing the guy that sits up in the attic and makes the garage door go up. Have you ever noticed that garage doors are now powered by electricity? There was a time long, long ago when there was no electricity, and cavemen had to open up their garage doors by hand. Of course, a long, long time ago, garages weren't really necessary, so the poor, lazy, overworked cavemen got off easy. It was as if they were dismounting a stick, instead of dismounting a giant warhorse, or an elephant. That kind of easy. No, I don't mean like eggs over easy, but the easy you get when your teacher lets you have an open-answer test.

Anyway, I'm digressing. So, those eggs were on the way home through the Saharan Desert, you know - the one in Italy, when suddenly they ran across a mollusk. Or was it a sea cucumber? Or perhaps...anyway, they didn't so much run as walk or parade or trample or jump into or fall off of or climb onto or something like that. Erego, these pickles encountered a wild species of...wait, where was I? Oh, right, the talking tree got in their path, as trees are wont to do, and gave them a warning. "Beware, frogs are purple." The tree spoketh, and the frogs were indeed purple; and the tree saw that the frogs were purple, and it was good. The unicorn objected however, because he was colorblind and he'd rather see them be green. Kind of like the green you get in grass, when you water it - not let it dry out. Of course, you can't water grass when you're in a drought, and you can't have a drought when you've got lots of water. Just like you can't wash a car when you have no water; though you could scrub it with sand, that isn't good for the paint. Sort of like leaving paint out in the sun, it fades as if it was clothes going through the washing machine with bleach, which, by the way, you should not drink - its poisonous. Mr. Yuk said so himself, he did. He was all puffed up about it too. In fact, Mr. Yuk acted like a pufferfish, except he wasn't a fish, nor was he puffed up, or covered in horny spikes.

You see, it was all because the spikes were jealous of the scales. A good metaphor would be "the birds and the bees" or even "spots and stripes" or "fire and water" or perhaps "Abbot and Castello." But that's all beside the point. The point is that spikes are pointy, and scales are not. This is why the hot dog was so distressed, as you can imagine, hot dogs aren't fond of pointy things. Not only do pointy things make them feel insecure, but you could put your eye out with one of those. No! Not one of those, one of those! So...uh...hot dogs, not liking pointy things...oh yeah, then it began to rain. It rained bananas, and men, and bands singing about raining men, and songs and all that good stuff. The horse decided it didn't like the rain, because its fur would get all puffed up and ruined, so the horse ran for cover under a passing semi-truck. As anybody could tell you, wild semi-trucks, before they are tamed by overweight, coffee-addicted truck drivers, are terrified of horses, especially moving ones. The truck swerved away from the horse, crashed through a hotel, and then realized that North America had no hotels, so it was kind of hard to hit one in the first place. That was good for the truck, because the truck had no insurance and didn't want to be liable to pay for damages.

The rain cleared up, and the sun began to shine on the forests of Antartica. The unicorn dog decided it was time to get moving and buy that toaster it had always wanted. His wife had been complaining about the refrigerator for years now, and the unicorn decided the only real way to appease her would be to buy her something fancy, like a toaster, and make her something nice with it, like stirred martinis. The unicorn walked into the Sears Superstore found everywhere in Russia nowadays and bought a toaster for $19.95, a small price to pay for a free applicance. As the Chinese say, we all have to make our little sacrifices for the greater alter. However, the unicorn was kind of huffed that it was forced to pay in cash, as the seals running Sears wouldn't accept checks, and for some reason their new degaussing credit-card machine wasn't working. So, the unicorn paid all $500 for the toaster in pennies, just to spite the dolphins, and force them to give him $495 back in change, in all they had - pennies. Of course, these weren't ordinary pennies, they were super pennies. The kind of pennies you can buy at any superstore and are worth just as much as ordinary pennies, and have no distinct physical difference, except being extraordinary in a mundane way.

The unicorn began the impossibly long trek home, a massive journey that would cover twelve inches, if you use the metric system. As they say, every journey of a thousand miles begins with sleeping off a beer binge. Of course, every fire blanket is just as imflammable as a stopsign is red and cakes are cakey. The unicorn stepped over the red cake in the road and crossed to the other side, bumping into a chicken on the way and almost tripping over a whale he didn't see until the last minute. Not that whales are hard to see, actually you'd figure they'd blot out the sun the way ink blots out the whiteness of a blank page in a book. Before he got too far, the unicorn was stopped by the mandatory town elder who had a long tale to talk about dealing with the usual stuff: apocalype, saving the world, drinking coke, you know. The unicorn took in a deep breath, and readied his team of nine companions as they prepared for their journey that would take them around the world, to other worlds, though fire, ice, snow, rain, wind, hurricanes, typhoons, earthquakes, evil nasty martians, blobs of slime, sticky spots on a restaurant floor, holes in the plot, black holes, quasi-living dead trees, and that would lead them to the ultimate evil of all, the evil that threatened all of the universe, and not just this universe, but the whole universe of universes that could possibly contain infinate universes. So, the brave unicorn set out to save all mankind and...

he did, then he went home.


The End.
Or is it?

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"Everything is connected, but we don't realize it."

Whoops, thought the topic title had "long winded" in it. Sorry.

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"Everything is connected, but we don't realize it."

Quote

Ooh! Ooh! What was it?!?!?!

Quote

I stopped reading at the hot dog part.

I sense Azzy is right in that your tale is one of fiction. Perhaps very wishful fiction.

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"Everything is connected, but we don't realize it."

Or maybe you're all just close-minded about the meaning of "karma"...

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It really sucks to have a boring sig. You know, the kind that drones on forever and never really says anything. I try my best to never have one of those. Every time I make a new sig I try to get it to be a truly outstanding sig. Some people have sigs like that. With neat (EVula) links and stuff. Witty quotes are good too. But then some people have really, really, boring sigs that you'd die before reading more of. They just go on, and on, and on...those sigs really annoy me. I mean, they say nothing and nobody really cares anyway! I pity the people who have those.

I sense a one-directional mindset with karma, and its similar to the direction you go when you knock yourself off a long cliff.

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"Everything is connected, but we don't realize it."

[This message has been edited by Avatara (edited 01-13-2004).]

...

Down???

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It really sucks to have a boring sig. You know, the kind that drones on forever and never really says anything. I try my best to never have one of those. Every time I make a new sig I try to get it to be a truly outstanding sig. Some people have sigs like that. With neat (EVula) links and stuff. Witty quotes are good too. But then some people have really, really, boring sigs that you'd die before reading more of. They just go on, and on, and on...those sigs really annoy me. I mean, they say nothing and nobody really cares anyway! I pity the people who have those.

[quote]Originally posted by Azeroth:
 So yours is a work of fiction then?  

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[url="http://"http://www.evula.com"]Your Cursor is getting heavy.... You feel it coming to this link.[/url][url="http://"http://janus.ambrosiasw.com/~mburch/"].[/url][url="http://"http://www.AmbrosiaSW.com/webcam/"].[/url][url="http://"http://janus.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/"].[/url] | [url="http://"http://www.photobucket.com"]Photobucket[/url] - The free image host - 100 Megs free

[quote]Originally posted by Zortrium:
[QUOTE]
Ooh! Ooh! What was it?!?!?![/quote]

Insulting comments directed at your mother

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Azzy: Still screwed up.
"Man, I wish I was a Bush. I've always wanted to be some kind of shrubbery." -Pufer
"Hey, I'm not the one who wanted Gay Sex to become a moderator." -Avatara
"I find that unaccountably disturbing."-Sundered Angel

Quote

what's the story about, I stopped reading at hot dog as well.

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Arhhhhhhg Replied
Arthur.
www.avalon-rpg.com
A great Place come by.

So, there was this bottlecap. It could fly, so it painted a picture. It then decided that it was not a bottlecap, so I ate dinner. I decided that I needed to go raise my XP, so I found a giant Marshmellow, and challenged him to a duel. He then started the Macarena, and my cat ate all of my chips!

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ATTs Official Newb.
Dammit. [url="http://"mailto:lotsofblackflags@yahoo.com"]mailto:lotsofblackflags@yahoo.com[/url]lotsofblackflags@yahoo.com
Do you have a brother, by any chance, named "Chunks"?- Avatara

Quote

Let's hear em, I know that anything Azzy says isn't true anyways...

And spare yourself the humiliation of posting a lame joke like "OMG Znorty You'RE SO LEET!!!!11!"

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It really sucks to have a boring sig. You know, the kind that drones on forever and never really says anything. I try my best to never have one of those. Every time I make a new sig I try to get it to be a truly outstanding sig. Some people have sigs like that. With neat (EVula) links and stuff. Witty quotes are good too. But then some people have really, really, boring sigs that you'd die before reading more of. They just go on, and on, and on...those sigs really annoy me. I mean, they say nothing and nobody really cares anyway! I pity the people who have those.

Quote

!11!!!!TEEL OS ER'ouY ytronZ GMO

Is that any better

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Azzy: Still screwed up.
"Man, I wish I was a Bush. I've always wanted to be some kind of shrubbery." -Pufer
"Hey, I'm not the one who wanted Gay Sex to become a moderator." -Avatara
"I find that unaccountably disturbing."-Sundered Angel

Quote

Well, wasn't that just completely coherent to......I don't even know what.....

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I don't get mad; I get stabby.

Shinobi, must you quote entire long boring 7 paragraph stories in order to make a one line comment on it?

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It really sucks to have a boring sig. You know, the kind that drones on forever and never really says anything. I try my best to never have one of those. Every time I make a new sig I try to get it to be a truly outstanding sig. Some people have sigs like that. With neat (EVula) links and stuff. Witty quotes are good too. But then some people have really, really, boring sigs that you'd die before reading more of. They just go on, and on, and on...those sigs really annoy me. I mean, they say nothing and nobody really cares anyway! I pity the people who have those.

Shoes

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ATTs Official Newb.
Dammit. [url="http://"mailto:lotsofblackflags@yahoo.com"]mailto:lotsofblackflags@yahoo.com[/url]lotsofblackflags@yahoo.com
Do you have a brother, by any chance, named "Chunks"?- Avatara