Ambrosia Software Web Board: "Back Already!" or "Am I Anti Social?" - Ambrosia Software Web Board

A bit pointless really, I left here so I could spend more time on other things. Of course that went all well, but I found I might enjoy it more if I just spent like a very small amount of time here a day. Its not like the time I gained from not coming here wasn?t immediately put to use doing geeky things anyways (as opposed to, scarily enough, non-geeky things). The main cause of my inactivity with the schools culture with my spare time is as follows:

This is kinda rant-ish, but I dont have a journal, livejournal, or anywhere else to write so you guys are the victims. Advice, similar stories, whatever is welcome.

This is REALLY REALLY long. I advise either taking it in doses. Or skimming it, then coming back later to really read it. If you like reading about other people however, this is your thing. Or if your just going to post some stupid crap, go to the next topic. There's enough of it on Trash Talk already.

I find myself becoming so much more distant to my friends lately than I would have expected. It seems, within the normal situations, the longer your friendship lasts the better it becomes, the more one trusts the other, the happier they are together, and so on. This is just not the case for me. It's odd really, I can't wait for my best friend* to leave for college because then I wont have to deal with his ****ed up elitism. My other friends at school disgust me more and more when I am with them, they play their chess game of popularity within our circle of friends, inflating egos when needed, boasting. Or they are mindlessly silly, which grates on my nerves more than it used to (more than none at all, when I knew them before). Some emulate the behaviors of the worst, god only knows why. I have been attracted to two girls at my school (both friends) but I can't exactly figure out why when I think about it. One's a workaholic with a real bitchy side when she's pissed that?s sociable sometimes (she's real nice then). Other's a pretty normal person 'cept she doesn?t "get" things sometimes. In case you wonder, the first doesn't like me and the second is taken.

*He is my "best friend" as per the rest of the world, because I have known him for more than other people

I guess my first reason for beginning to not like my friends is the popularity thing. First the background. When I became an outcast, it was my own ****ing choice.* In 6th grade, first people I met were the more** popular people. I had the option, I left it. It sucked. Popularity sucks. It?s a game that?s not worth playing to me***. So I hung with the other rejects, the people my [real] best friend and I pulled together. We all played games and it was good. We didn't care a moment 'bout the others, they were nothing. It was an accepted position. At the time I hadn't fully grasped this, I was just living without introspection, just living and that?s all. I look back and see that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being out of the game, an observer to the ugly game, a commentator to reality.

*Apparently a popular reason for becoming unpopular, apparently. We'll see later.
**The most popular would immediately place a lanky kid with good grades in the "nerd" category, but second place is an option.
***The fact that life is just a game is subject for a different discussion; I wish to do this later.

Anyways, snap back to reality. I attend a school that basically consists of geeks. It is in such a bad neighborhood* that all the cool kids attend the two larger schools of Houston, much more stereotypical schools. Now, at first glance, freshman year in other words, this school was a haven, no cliques or stupid **** like that. A welcome environment for all the outcasts to go there and well, be together. The couple kids that would be popular in other schools end up being ostracized because they just aren't like the majority. Seems like heaven. I was foolish to think that. Apparently, people aren't like me. People don't choose unpopularity, they are placed there. Now, in a chance to be popular, they jump at it. Instead of a great environment we are back into the game, one big clique this time.** Well... ****, I don't know how to deal with that.

*It's a magnet school, which means we aren't zoned to it, so we come from all over.
**In actuality, there are several circles of conversion at lunch, but that?s just simplification. You are welcome to sit where you please and talk to all, much unlike the system at most high schools. (I suppose)

Anyways, now I must deal with the problems with this whole thing. What you have had reported to you is done by a person immediately expressing an opinion about it. It could be inaccurate, because I am not omnipotent, a godlike power only expressing facts. Frankly, I don't know everything.

The first interesting and conflicting point would be that this is not always the case. My [real] best friend is somewhat of a bastion of hope for me. I have not developed a dislike for him like I seem to have for the rest of my friends, acquaintances, and the others. I don't know why this is. We have personality conflicts too; they just don't bother me like the others do. I think this ties together with the rest of it though. He does not attend the school the rest of my friends attend. He attends one of the two larger, stereotypical high schools. he is part of the not-so-popular groups of people. I wonder, if because he is unpopular that he just doesn't play the game, and that?s why I still respect him. All his friends seem cool as well, although I have not met them more than once or twice. It makes we wonder, constantly now, about how happy I could be at a school like that compared to the one I attend now. Could I be happier at a school where I would be an outcast rather than one where I am welcome? (Its worth mentioning that I am most definitely not unpopular at my current school, but I am not popular either)

The second conflicting point, in which I will not delve in as long, is that I might have a personality disorder. I've never had it fully checked out, but in some "reasonably" real tests I've taken online, I am mildly schizophrenic/schizoid. I'm not amazed or anything, mild schizophrenia/paranoia runs in the family practically. This could cause me to be in general more paranoid about my friends, and all that. I don't really take this into effect* because it has been proved to me in hard examples many times of lies they have said, or exaggerations that were placed that would inflate their own ego, or make them more popular** with others.

*This should read, I don't take this into effect 'much'. I've thought it over times before.
**Not always more popular I guess. People always try and make themselves out to be more badass than other people, or try and make other fear them for some dumb reason. They always tell exaggerations or lies or something dumb that disgusts me. Now I admit that I have done this before as well; doesn't mean I don't kick myself for it later.

It?s just so weird to me, the whole situation. I find myself wondering whether I would be happier as an outcast again. I think what my life would be like if I just sat alone at lunch and read, or though, talking to those that wanted to talk, one on one*. I wonder what the game of life will be like if I am unwilling to even bother with the game of school. I can't tell if the environment has just gotten stale. I can't tell if I thrive in new environments, but like a virus, I use them up, and leave for a new one when it becomes worthless and lame. I can't tell whether to blame this all on myself, or shove some on others. I just can't tell.

*I only really talk one on one with people. When in a bigger group, its mainly worthless stuff that comes out of my mouth. Just a social thing with me I guess...

[/angst][/rant]


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Think before you lie
Diablo 2: *PyroHC *Pyro444
Warcraft III: PyroTheDragon

Welcome back.

I have experienced a similiar thing. I recommend getting a small group of friends, and then isolating yourselves at lunch. Find some place where nobody goes. That way, you won't have to deal with anybody's stupid crap.

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dude3 -- a succession of trite homilies and unfortunate metaphors
Quote of the Week- "Let's spank his panties!" -Ryogo
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Ah, high school angst. dude3's advice is fairly sound- stick to your friends. Ignore the rest. If you feel like getting involved with the whole social clique scene, by all means do, but if you don't, don't. I'm sure you'll do fine.

I never really bothered with the whole thing myself. I was me, I had my crowd, if the bitchy group didn't like me, they could deal. I think they classified me as a nerd, but they hated practically my whole group for something or another- too angsty, too bitchy, too smart, too try-hard, too whatever. There are always people like that, and there's no need to let them hassle you.

By far the most important thing is to get on with your friends. I'm not sure exactly how you feel about them right now, but when you're talking about your friends, you've got to pull yourself up. I knew a girl at High School who was an utter bitch. Never said a kind word to my face. I doubt she said a kind word behind my back, either. But I put up with her, because she was one of us. Everyone put up with her, for various reasons. Another of my friends had the habit of being incredibly, insensitively blunt at times. Since I really respected her, that could be quite painful. But I learnt to shrug that off, too, because she didn't mean it, and you don't let little things get in the way between friends.

It is possible, of course, to change your group of friends entirely. To gradually slip away from your old friends and make new ones. But severing ties with all your friends... Not a good idea. Not a good idea at all.

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Sundered Angel,
The One and Only
Ares Webboard Moderator, and all-around Nice Guy

Are you serious on that shizophrenic comment? Because if so then it *could* theoritically get worse in which case having friends in RL would be very very hard...

I can't offer any advice here, but it was an interesting piece of writing...

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There are only 3 kinds of people; those who can count, and those who can't.

If it did get too bad, Joveia, there's always therapy. In fact, many (relatively) sane people can benefit from therapy.

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Sundered Angel,
The One and Only
Ares Webboard Moderator, and all-around Nice Guy

Its nice to have you back. I'll be finished reading your post in 2 days or so.

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If I'm lucky, the bomb will go off before they notice what I'm doing with the broom.

I've been completely alone with no friends before, several times, due to various reasons. I can tell you its a lot better when you put up with at least a few friends than when you just isolate yourself from everyone. When you're isolated, you just feel...alone... and after a while you just stop caring, about a lot of things. That's not a good place to be in, at all, usually only bad things result from that. Sometimes friends do stupid things on occasion, sometimes we all do stupid things on occasion, but if you don't let their stupid actions get to you then its easier for you to survive. However, if you find yourself consistantly irritated with their behavior, perhaps its time to move on and find someone else. Look for people that you can relate to in several ways, that type of person usually (not always, unfortunately) turns out to be a good friend, since you're not total strangers to one another.

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"What we do not know, we cannot begin to understand."

Quote

From who?

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"You know it's bad when your signature is longer than your average post"-Me
Links: [url="http://"http://ambrosiasw.com/games/pop-pop"]pop-pop[/url] [url="http://"http://ambrosiasw.com/webboard/forum12/HTML/000347.html"]Visit Stupid Joke of the Day![/url] [url="http://"http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.html"]Singing Horses/Hogafflahage[/url] That should do it.

[This message has been edited by The Journalist (edited 04-28-2003).]

Well, if your schools aren't zoned, is there some reason you couldn't go to another? Of course, people often discourage that, since it would unnecessarily turn you into an outsider, but that seems to be just what you're looking for (although if I recall, you'll be senior next year, so maybe it wouldn't be such a idea).

I haven't had any experience with this kind of thing myself, since it's easy to keep myself on the outside where I am (think rich kid playground, where, if you have parking, you're expected to drive to school in a convertible). But I do happen to have a couple friends that you might get along with - unfortunately, they're in New York, not Texas

I'm thinking you need blog, let me check something... yep, [url="http://"http://www.tripod.lycos.com/"]Tripod[/url] has a blog feature. I haven't tried it though.

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"I'm one of those things you'll save forever / but never read / like an old newspaper / no one has time to read
This child has grown into a dead end / since I lost the power to pretend
But it's all right, that's who I am inside
Not much to say, on this non-toxic, ordinary day" -SR-17, now you see inside

Quote

That isn't much of a deterrant. Our schools are zoned, yet most people just open enroll in the high school they prefer and go there anyway. All it takes is a rather small amount of paperwork.

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"What we do not know, we cannot begin to understand."

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It was in seventh grade. The group got too large and crappy, so I left.

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dude3 -- a succession of trite homilies and unfortunate metaphors
Quote of the Week- "Let's spank his panties!" -Ryogo
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Ah.

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"It's a tough case...he still thinks he's an accountant"-Airplane 2: The Sequel
Links: [url="http://"http://ambrosiasw.com/games/pop-pop"]pop-pop[/url] [url="http://"http://ambrosiasw.com/webboard/forum12/HTML/000347.html"]Visit Stupid Joke of the Day![/url] [url="http://"http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.html"]Singing Horses/Hogafflahage[/url] That should do it.

Why would you want to be an outsider? Nobody's got your back? You need that.'specially with the way thing are goin' down these days.

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From the moment I picked your book up, until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Being an outsider doesn't mean you don't have friends - outside of the cliques of high school life, friendship can actually be much more valuable and long-lasting. Being an outsider these days seems to mean that you think for yourself, and don't let the group decide for you, and when friendship is a deliberate choice, it means that much more.

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"I'm one of those things you'll save forever / but never read / like an old newspaper / no one has time to read
This child has grown into a dead end / since I lost the power to pretend
But it's all right, that's who I am inside
Not much to say, on this non-toxic, ordinary day" -SR-17, now you see inside

Quote

Hmm, it's hard to have a smaller group of friends than I have now and still call it a group really. The main problem with this whole thing is the size of our school. There is probably only around 200 people in it total. A third of these people aren't worth talking to, the other two thirds are alright. Really though, I don't think I could just go out and 'find' someone else at my school with shared interests. Or even without, its hard to find people you don't know yet, having attending it three years now.

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As I said: I haven't even bothered to check with a therapist about it, its not that important.

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While attending a new school might be interesting, you are correct that I will be a senior next year, and its really just not worth the hassle. If I did, I would attend my friends school, and I would already be with a group of people I know 'ok'.
Im going to drag out one of my unused sketchbooks for a journal methinks... just gotta find the time.


Anyways, I have given the entire thing some thought and decided to let it sit for at least until the end of the year. The worst of the worst will be gone next year, and I may be able to make some new judgments on everyone. If things get bad, I've got enough stuff I can drown myself in next year, and I've hung out alone before, its not so bad.

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The leaves rustling.
When is the last time you heard
that in a city.


[This message has been edited by Pyro (edited 04-29-2003).]

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Ah, you neglected to mention that. School sizes vary depending on the school, city, and state. My high school has some 1500 students in it, and that's considered 'small' (the average being around 2200 or so) for my school district. There's a big difference with opportunities, problems, and chances between the two. Sorry.

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"What we do not know, we cannot begin to understand."

Do you have a girl?

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From the moment I picked your book up, until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Quote

How true....how true.

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"It's a tough case...he still thinks he's an accountant"-Airplane 2: The Sequel
Links: [url="http://"http://ambrosiasw.com/games/pop-pop"]pop-pop[/url] [url="http://"http://ambrosiasw.com/webboard/forum12/HTML/000347.html"]Visit Stupid Joke of the Day![/url] [url="http://"http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.html"]Singing Horses/Hogafflahage[/url] That should do it.

Quote

Unhappy guys generally don't have a girl.

That isn't to say girls cause happiness.

Guys with girls are often unhappy for different reasons.

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Sundered Angel,
The One and Only
Ares Webboard Moderator, and all-around Nice Guy

But you can make a girl very happy, and in turn, you will be too.

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From the moment I picked your book up, until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Hmmmm. In other words, guys should be happy that they're making a girl happy, and not seek happiness for themselves?

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Sundered Angel,
The One and Only
Ares Webboard Moderator, and all-around Nice Guy

A storm is coming...

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"It's a tough case...he still thinks he's an accountant"-Airplane 2: The Sequel
Links: [url="http://"http://ambrosiasw.com/games/pop-pop"]pop-pop[/url] [url="http://"http://ambrosiasw.com/webboard/forum12/HTML/000347.html"]Visit Stupid Joke of the Day![/url] [url="http://"http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.html"]Singing Horses/Hogafflahage[/url] That should do it.