Ambrosia Software Web Board: Give me your jokes! - Ambrosia Software Web Board

What did the umpire say to the cake mix?

Batter up!


What do you call a lobster on the phone?

Cellfish.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

And that, your honour, is why I was at the border shooting at illegal immigrants - to deter the rest.

A man walks in to a bar and spies two huge pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling, when the barman comes over to take his order he points up and asks "What's with the beef up there?"

"Ahh" replies the barman "I see you've spotted our little game there, it's very simple. On the floor where you are standing is a black cross"

The man looked down, and sure enough, there was a large black cross painted on the floor.

"You stand on that cross" explained the bar tender "And jump as high as you can, if you can grab one of those bits of meat and pull it down, free drinks all night absolutely whatever you want, totally on us"

"Wow" says the man "That sounds pretty good. But what's the catch?"

"If you fail" says the barman with a smile on his face "Drinks are on you, all night, for everyone in the bar, me included!"

The man thinks about it for a while, and explains that he needs to go away and consider it. After 5 minutes he comes back for his second pint.

"Made a decision?" Asks the barman.

"Yeah, think I'll have to say no" The man replies, reluctantly "The steaks are just too high."

I'm not really sure this is funny in any way, but it is an interesting experiment to think about.

Two muffins were in an oven. One muffin said to the other, "It's getting hot in here." The other muffin said, "HOLY s### A TALKING MUFFIN!"

-Pufer

Two strings walk into a bar. One says "I'll have a beerUH??H?=%". The other says "excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."

Piece of string goes in to a bar, orders a pint. The Bartenders tells them they don't serve pieces of string, and tells him to get out.

On the way out the door he passes another piece of string.

"Don't go in there mate" he warns the other piece of string "they don't serve our types"

The string just smiles, and in a flash bends himself in half, wraps his head around his bottom and pulls, ruffling his hair he walks in to the bar and orders a pint.

"Are you a piece of string?" THe barman asks.

"No" he says "I'm a frayed knot."

Two peanuts were walking down a road. One was assaulted.

This post has been edited by prophile: 25 April 2010 - 04:10 PM

BEST JOKES EVAR!!1!ONE

Most of them are actually crap. But some are good.

I wish I had something better, but most of the funny jokes I know could be offensive.

9 out of 10 people approve of this message. Then again, 9 out of 10 people also approve of gang rape.

This girl in a bikini stopped me to ask directions. I just kept saying to myself, "Don't stare at her tits, don't stare at her tits."
Then she said, "Don't stare at whose tits?"
----------

If women think they aren't meant to cook, then why do they have milk and eggs inside them?
----------

My son has really been pissing me off recently by using American words and phrases.

He calls orange juice, "OJ", and repeatedly uses words like "awesome" and "bro".

So, I thought, "Well if he wants to feel American, I'll help him do it properly."

So I walked into his school today and shot him and six of his classmates dead.

This took me a little while to get, but was the funniest when I figured it out.

Also, no blonde jokes? For shame!

This post has been edited by adam_0: 26 April 2010 - 09:20 AM

There were three blondes stuck on an island and they had been there for a few days, when they stumbled across a magical lamp. One of the blonde's rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie pops out and offers to grant each of them a wish.

The first blond says, "Make me smart so I can think of a way to get off this island."

He points his finger at her, and she turns into a redhead. Then she heads to the water and swims towards land.

The next blond says, "Make me even smarter than her so I can get off this island!"

So he points his finger and she becomes a brunette, and she builds a boat and sets sail.

The last one says "Make me smarter than both of them combined!!"

The genie points his finger at her and turns her into a man, the man then walks across the foot bridge back to mainland.

Bumper sticker: "4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions."

I've got a lengthened version of that joke:

Two cows in a field one says "moo!", the otherone exclaims "I was about to say that!"

Two muffins were in an oven. One muffin said to the other, "It's getting hot in here." The other muffin said, "HOLY s### A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Two cows in a field, one says to the other "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other replies "OMG a talking squirrel!"

A pessimist would say, "The glass is half empty."

An optimist: "The glass is half full."

An engineer: "The glass is twice as big as it needs to be."

Ok, here's a couple I read:
Q. Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas?
A. Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."

The wife came home and announced, "I've got some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" I asked.

"I'm leaving you," she said.

"Are you deaf, as well as fat?" I said, "I wanted the bad news."

That doesn't really make sense. Optimal glass size does not depend solely on how much liquid it can hold. Furthermore, the liquid is the variable factor: a glass size judgement based on the amount of liquid it contains at one instant in time is foolish, unless the specific function of the glass from its creation was to hold that exact amount of liquid.

There is a joke, which goes like this:

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

It's mildly amusing, the first time you hear it. What you have just done is the equivalent of responding with:

"That doesn't really make sense. Sticks aren't really sticky are they? I mean, if they're covered in sap, I suppose, but sticks aren't usually covered in sap. And they're not really brown either, they're more of a greeny colour. Usually. So what you should have said was 'what's brown or green, and possibly sticky?'"

This will cause people to casually tear out your windpipe and use it as a flute.

Aside:

Q: What's brown and runny?
A: A Kenyan.

Naa, they're different. The stick joke (a play on words) has never bothered me, whereas the engineer's cup joke has since I heard it. I've never found it funny, and would gladly sacrifice my windpipe if it meant I'd never hear it again.

...
Why did the chicken wear drag?

To get to the other side.

This post has been edited by Shlimazel: 17 May 2010 - 07:34 PM

I'll pare your pear and raise you an erotic response.

So this guy dies and goes to hell, and he's sitting by the lake of fire moping about it. A demon comes up and says, "Hey, why so blue?"
"Isn't it obvious?" sighs the man, "I'm in Hell! This sucks!"
"Nah, come on," says the demon, "Hell isn't that bad. You gamble?"
"I guess, every once in awhile," the man says.
"Well then you'll like Mondays! Mondays are gambling days. Hell's massive casino opens up and you can gamble all day and all night. Roulette, poker, backgammon, slot machines, horses, you name it, we have it! You just gamble all day until your money's gone, but then it's OK because Satan shows up with more on a silver platter."
"Well that sounds a little fun..." admits the man.
"And that's just the beginning! You like to drink?"
"Sure I like to drink," says the man.
"Well Tuesdays are drinking days! We have all the finest booze from all over the world, and you can drink as much as you want, just drink drink drink until your liver rots, but it's OK because then Satan shows up with a new one for you."
"That doesn't sound so bad," admits the man, "But that's still only the first few days."
"Well, you like to smoke pot? After all that drinking on Tuesday you might be a bit hung over, so Wednesday's potsmoking day. We have the best strains from all over the world, whatever you want, you just smoke pot until your brain rots but it's fine because then Satan shows up with another one for you."
"Well, OK," says the man, brightening up a little, "What about Thursday?"
"After all that pot you'll have the munchies like no other! That's why Thursday's feast day. The best chefs throughout history cook up whatever you want down in Hell's kitchen and bring it up for you! And I mean whatever you want -- the strangest and most rare delicacies or even something as simple as a hamburger...whatever you want! You just eat eat eat until your stomach explodes but once it does it's OK because Satan shows up with a new one for you."
"I'm liking this more and more," says the man.
"Told ya," grins the demon, "And then on Friday it's cigar day. We have a direct line to Cuba, Castro sends down some of his finest all the time, plus just a huge selection of other great stuff. And it's all free, you just smoke smoke smoke until your lungs rot, and then once they do it's still OK because Satan shows up with some new ones."
"Wow, you've sold me, Hell sounds great!"
"Oh, I haven't even gotten to the best part..." leers the demon, "...Saturdays are ######ING DAYS! All the sexiest most beautiful people in the world are in hell, you just ###### ###### ###### all day and all night until your dick falls off, but even when it does it's still OK because Satan just shows back up with a new one."
"That's amazing!" shouts the man, "That's is the best part! When I was alive I loved the ladies."
"Ladies?" asks the demon. "s###...you're gonna hate Saturdays."