Ambrosia Software Web Board: Pirate are Ninjas?!? - Ambrosia Software Web Board

But don't you know the legend of the ninja stomache?

"-atch" or "-ahkay?"

-Pufer

Very well. I will tell you the legend of the Ninja Stomach.


The Legend Of The Ninja Stomach

Long ago, in a distant land, there was a man named Drinks-Like-Well. Drinks-Like-Well was a completely average man, who most thought would never amount to anything. He had no respect or acnowledgement.

One day, while in the midst of downing his customary 35 glasses of vodka for breakfast, Drinks-Like-Well's thoughts turned to The Ninja. The Ninja was a legendary figure in town. Drinks-Like-Well had always looked at The Ninja as the embodiement of all that Drinks-Like-Well could not be. However, as he prepared to down his 17th glass of vodka, Drinks-Like-Well was struck by a thought. What if, he thought, I could drink more than The Ninja? Certainly he would gain reknown with such a feat. He downed his 17th glass of vodka and resolved to do it.


Gasping heavily, Drinks-Like-Well reached the Cave of Ninja after a grueling climb. After catching his breath, he continued inside.

It was very dark in the cave. He saw no one inside. He said "Hello!"

"What do you want?" a softly menacing voice behind him asked. He turned abruptly, but no one was there. He turned back fearfully.

"I wish to speak with The Ninja!" he cried. "I... I wish to propose a challenge!"

Suddenly a figure was standing directly in front of him! He gave a cry and fell back on his butt. The Ninja laughed scornfully. He was dressed in all black, and almost looked like a living shadow. "With you!" The Ninja laughed. He disappeared!

"Not a challenge of blades!" Drinks-Like-Well said. "A drinking challenge!"

There was a great silence.

"I wish to pit my skill at drinking against your skill!" Drinks-Like-Well said.

"You are drunk," The Ninja said. "I suspect cheap vodka."

"That's the point!" Drinks-Like-Well said. "I wish to pit my skill against yours!"

The Ninja stepped forward. "Then I will name the terms." He paused menacingly. "If you succeed, I will give you a great stein which will never empty of cheap vodka." Drinks-Like-Well gasped. "But!" said The Ninja. "If I win-and I will-then I will claim your soul for my god!" Drinks-Like-Well squeaked fearfully. But then, fortified somewhat by his 37 glasses of vodka, he gulped down and said "I agree to your terms!"

The Ninja said nothing, and merely disappeared again dismissively.

As Drinks-Like-Well returned to the village, The Ninja knelt to pray to his god. He knew he could not outdrink the great glutton, so he would need help.

A great darkness filled the Ninja Cave. "WHAT IS IT YOU CALL ME FOR, MY SERVANT?" You-See-None, Great Ninja God, said with a voice like a thousand flapping batwings.

"Great You-See-None, I crave a boon. You know of the challenge I have agreed upon?"

"BUT OF COURSE!" You-See-None scoffed. "WAS I NOT LURKING IN A FLEA ON THE LEFT EAR OF THAT SMALL PLEBIAN?"

"But of course, Great You-See-None," The Ninja said. "But I have not the skill to equal his gluttony. I require aid to enable myself to defeat him and deliver his soul unto you."

"VERY WELL," You-See-None boomed. "I SHALL ENABLE YOU TO DRINK 40 GLASSES OF CHEAP VODKA IN SUCCESSION WITHOUT LOSING YOUR SENSES. BUT, MY PET, YOU MUST RETURN THIS POWER WHEN YOU GIVE ME HIS SOUL!"

"I understand," The Ninja said, feeling new powers of alchohol consumtion fill him. "Thank you, great You-See-None." But You-See-None had already left.


Meanwhile, Drinks-Like-Well had returned to town and boasted about his upcoming challenge. Few were inclined to believe him until The Ninja appeared in town out of nowhere. After much screaming, tables were set up and glasses of cheap vodka were provided.

Drinks-Like-Well and The Ninja sat from one another. Out of courtesy, Drinks-Like-Well downed the first pint of vodka.

The Ninja grabbed two pints of cheap vodka at once and dumped down both at the same time!

Drinks-Like-Well gasped to see the liquid disappearing into The Ninja's ninja mask. He lost control of his bladder, but no one noticed.

Shaking now, Drinks-Like-Well tossed down a pint. The Ninja tossed down two.

This continued until Drinks-Like-Well tossed down his nineteenth pint and The Ninja matched it with three pints. Wailing, he threw himself to the ground.

"Oh, spare me, Ninja!" he wailed. "I have been foolish enough to challenge you!"

"Not only will I spare you," The Ninja said. "But I promise never to harm you unless you are so foolish as to try and kill me!"

The Ninja disappeared.


Back in his cave, he was confronted by a very angry You-See-None! "YOU HAVE NOT RETRIEVED THE SOUL FOR ME! GO BACK AND DO SO!" the Great God roared.

"But, You-See-None, I gave my Ninja Word that I would never harm him! And according to your laws, I cannot break my Word!" the crafty Ninja said.

"THEN I WILL TAKE BACK MY GIFT!" You-See-None bellowed.

"But you gave this gift to me until I deliver his soul to you, which I cannot do! Therefore, you cannot take it back, because you gave your Ninja Word!"

Fuming, You-See-None was forced to leave without his gift or his soul.

----

And so, ever since then Ninjas have had the ability to drink more cheap vodka then any other living human. The End.

30+ Pints? Of Vodka?

Ninjas are bad.

I got Vodka as a gift once. The vodka was called Imperia and it's supposed to be better/more expensive than Grey Goose or really anything else. I still like my Smirnoff.

GutlessWonder, on Nov 26 2008, 01:37 PM, said:

I agree.

Pufer, on Nov 26 2008, 09:09 PM, said:

Ugh. No...Just no.

mWalk, on Nov 30 2008, 04:22 PM, said:

Imperia $35

Belvedere $69.99

And Belvedere is a high/mid range vodka, much more expensive ones out there.

Lektor, on Nov 28 2008, 11:03 PM, said:

hahahahah, Oozo is the s### man.

This post has been edited by zamzx zik: 30 November 2008 - 04:43 PM

No no, oozo is s###.

Lektor, on Dec 1 2008, 10:13 AM, said:

Amen Brother!

Ouzo on the other hand is Greek s###.

I rather like rum. I haven't tried all varieties, but I've had a few and it's all good. Probably most of my serious drunks have involved rum in some quantity.

Vodka is kinda meh. Maybe I've just never had a real high quality one, but it seems to me the appeal of the higher quality ones is that it has no flavor. Not much point in that.

I think I ought to explore the world of whiskeys more, and scotch. As I understand it, the whiskeys I've had are some of the more unique ones, so I really have very little idea about whiskey in the general sense.

I've recently discovered that I rather like gin. It seems more like an old person drink, but I'm starting to think that the old people have been drinking for a long time and know what they're doing .

Coffee liqueur is good stuff. I prefer black russians to white russians.

If anything, ninjas can be pirates, not the other way around.

I enjoy wine fairly often, since I actually know what to get for the most part. I try to keep my place stocked with several bottles at all times.

In terms of beer, I usually prefer ales to lagers. I've slowly been exploring the various varieties.

I've never had Tequila. Frankly I think I'm scared .

If I was in a pub and a pirate and a ninja walked in, I would say "Is this a joke?"

You suck.

Not half as much as I'd like to

Not half as much as your girlfriend/wife wished you did...

Aha, that's where you are mistaken. I suck particularly well in that department

So you admit that you suck in the bedroom?

Jeremiah, on Dec 8 2008, 01:02 PM, said:

I've heard this (well, a take on this) before, but it still made me chuckle.