That funny feeling..
#26
Posted 16 May 2007 - 09:14 PM
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes and only then with tongs while wearing thick gloves coated with sulfuric acid.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company. Do not under any circumstances allow yourself to participate in group mastrubation sessions with your chosen good company, especially if it consists of a number of christian underwear models of both sexes.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Become a hermit while never being alone. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will, you'll just start doing each other which is even worse. You must get away from people. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind because when looking at anyone you cannot ever help thinking about them mastrubating.
The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Try sticking a hot poker up your nose to remove it from your mind and put it on other and more wholesome things, like nuns.
4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Break all mirrors, they are unwholesome. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress (always dress while in the bath) AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present. Better yet, have your mother sit on the toilet while you bathe to make sure you don't touch yourself.
5. When in bed dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. A chastity belt is good, handcuffing yourself to the bed is better. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you. That is, unless you're into bondage.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE FOOT, even if it is in the middle of the night, especially if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of not being able to walk. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak, so don't think about yourself.
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. In fact, stop reading anything, including this article. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act and devoid of life.
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- the Song of Solomon. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. Giggle a lot while doing so. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities (if you know what I mean <nudge nudge>).
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. When you don't pray, pray some more. Pray for faith, pray for prayer, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the missionary posi... missionaries, the President, the Pope, your friends, your families (note the plural), BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS, NOT IN CONFESSION, NOT IN YOUR DIARY, NOT WITH STREET HOOKERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind!
-Pufer
#28
Posted 17 May 2007 - 06:21 PM
/Fiesta Grande\
#30
Posted 17 May 2007 - 11:41 PM
Let me explain further. Blokes generally have short-lasting orgasms stemming primarily from penile stimulation. Additional stimulus of various other areas of the male body may or may not produce any additional pleasure (short of direct prostate stimulation which generally should, assuming, of course, that one can get around the fact that something has to be shoved up one's ass to get there in order to derive pleasure from it). Indeed, pain is frequently the best associated stimulus (body compensating for effort, or at least perceived effort, with increased pleasure). All of this is balanced by the relatively short lasting incredible pain episodes that are kidney stones (around 4.14M births each year, around 3.3M kidney stones each year, overwhelmingly amongst males, a significant, but not necessarily a massive, difference). Even in the worst case scenario, your kidney stone episode will last a couple weeks. Shortish simple pleasure, shortish simple pain.
Women, on the other hand, generally have relatively longer lasting orgasms (and indeed significantly longer periods of time in a pre-orgasmic state during stimulation) during which time they can derive additional pleasure through the stimulation of a number of other organ systems instead of merely being limited to the primary sex organ. Whether it be breast stimulation, anal stimulation (whether through direct pressure or through trans-rectal wall g-spot stimulation, similar to prostate stimulation in males), stimulation of the epidermis (the soft layer of additional subcutaneous fat that women are equipped with fluffs up during arousal, exposing additional nerve endings to pleasurable touch all over the body), or a number of other things can all heighten pleasure beyond simple pain transference. Indeed, a tantric ritual that has a female being caressed by numerous people during direct clitoral stimulation has often been said to be one of the most pleasurable sexual experiences possible. In return for this longer play and more methods through which pleasure can be derived, pregnancy and childbirth generally are not short, nor are they particularly pleasant. However, they at least have the potential to be offset through more sex. Long elaborate pleasure, long elaborate pain.
Therefore fellows, if you're planning on having kids, make sure you really work on your cunnilingus technique and pleasure the hell out of your wife so you can't be hit with the age old "You didn't have to carry the kid for 9 months, nor did the kid pass through your pelvis you bastard." Ladies too, if you're wanting kids at some point, you can't run up your pain account never to be paid down with pleasure, tell that guy what the ###### he should be doing, he's an idiot and you need to get all you can in the old pleasure bank before you make that first major withdrawal. Use Pufer's First Law of Corporeal Pain/Pleasure Balance to provide yourself with a lifetime aggregate positive balance of pleasure. You sure as hell deserve it.
-Pufer
This post has been edited by Pufer: 17 May 2007 - 11:44 PM
#31
Posted 18 May 2007 - 01:49 AM
Pufer, on May 17 2007, 09:41 PM, said:
Let me explain further. Blokes generally have short-lasting orgasms stemming primarily from penile stimulation. Additional stimulus of various other areas of the male body may or may not produce any additional pleasure (short of direct prostate stimulation which generally should, assuming, of course, that one can get around the fact that something has to be shoved up one's ass to get there in order to derive pleasure from it). Indeed, pain is frequently the best associated stimulus (body compensating for effort, or at least perceived effort, with increased pleasure). All of this is balanced by the relatively short lasting incredible pain episodes that are kidney stones (around 4.14M births each year, around 3.3M kidney stones each year, overwhelmingly amongst males, a significant, but not necessarily a massive, difference). Even in the worst case scenario, your kidney stone episode will last a couple weeks. Shortish simple pleasure, shortish simple pain.
Women, on the other hand, generally have relatively longer lasting orgasms (and indeed significantly longer periods of time in a pre-orgasmic state during stimulation) during which time they can derive additional pleasure through the stimulation of a number of other organ systems instead of merely being limited to the primary sex organ. Whether it be breast stimulation, anal stimulation (whether through direct pressure or through trans-rectal wall g-spot stimulation, similar to prostate stimulation in males), stimulation of the epidermis (the soft layer of additional subcutaneous fat that women are equipped with fluffs up during arousal, exposing additional nerve endings to pleasurable touch all over the body), or a number of other things can all heighten pleasure beyond simple pain transference. Indeed, a tantric ritual that has a female being caressed by numerous people during direct clitoral stimulation has often been said to be one of the most pleasurable sexual experiences possible. In return for this longer play and more methods through which pleasure can be derived, pregnancy and childbirth generally are not short, nor are they particularly pleasant. However, they at least have the potential to be offset through more sex. Long elaborate pleasure, long elaborate pain.
Therefore fellows, if you're planning on having kids, make sure you really work on your cunnilingus technique and pleasure the hell out of your wife so you can't be hit with the age old "You didn't have to carry the kid for 9 months, nor did the kid pass through your pelvis you bastard." Ladies too, if you're wanting kids at some point, you can't run up your pain account never to be paid down with pleasure, tell that guy what the ###### he should be doing, he's an idiot and you need to get all you can in the old pleasure bank before you make that first major withdrawal. Use Pufer's First Law of Corporeal Pain/Pleasure Balance to provide yourself with a lifetime aggregate positive balance of pleasure. You sure as hell deserve it.
-Pufer
Or just marry a Walker and all of this in a non-issue.
#32
Posted 18 May 2007 - 01:57 AM
Okay.. so Matt and I get married someday. But then something bad happens and our sex lives diminish by a significant amount. I would have no problems going to Pufer for sexual advice.
Should this bother me? Cuz it doesn't. Dr. Pufer. Has a nice ring to it.
#33
Posted 18 May 2007 - 03:48 AM
Pufer, on May 16 2007, 07:14 PM, said:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes and only then with tongs while wearing thick gloves coated with sulfuric acid.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company. Do not under any circumstances allow yourself to participate in group mastrubation sessions with your chosen good company, especially if it consists of a number of christian underwear models of both sexes.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Become a hermit while never being alone. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will, you'll just start doing each other which is even worse. You must get away from people. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind because when looking at anyone you cannot ever help thinking about them mastrubating.
The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Try sticking a hot poker up your nose to remove it from your mind and put it on other and more wholesome things, like nuns.
4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Break all mirrors, they are unwholesome. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress (always dress while in the bath) AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present. Better yet, have your mother sit on the toilet while you bathe to make sure you don't touch yourself.
5. When in bed dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. A chastity belt is good, handcuffing yourself to the bed is better. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you. That is, unless you're into bondage.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE FOOT, even if it is in the middle of the night, especially if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of not being able to walk. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak, so don't think about yourself.
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. In fact, stop reading anything, including this article. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act and devoid of life.
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- the Song of Solomon. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. Giggle a lot while doing so. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities (if you know what I mean <nudge nudge>).
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. When you don't pray, pray some more. Pray for faith, pray for prayer, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the missionary posi... missionaries, the President, the Pope, your friends, your families (note the plural), BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS, NOT IN CONFESSION, NOT IN YOUR DIARY, NOT WITH STREET HOOKERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind!
-Pufer
Wow that was one of the funniest things I've ever read on the ASw forums. Pufer's got skill, but he left out the part about lamination.
#34
Posted 18 May 2007 - 04:20 AM
mWalk, on May 18 2007, 07:49 AM, said:
Because being married to you completely destroys anybody's sex drive? once they see you naked that's it? Game over? Celibacy? Cup of Cocoa and bed for the rest of their lives? Relying on shopping for contentment from now on? A good box for a thrill?
Really, dude, you should put yourself down like that...
-- Tom Sims
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
#36
Posted 18 May 2007 - 06:34 PM
Lektor, on May 18 2007, 01:20 AM, said:
Really, dude, you should put yourself down like that...
*fake British accent*
Well that's not very noice.
"That's what I said sir. Go fly a kite!"
#37
Posted 18 May 2007 - 08:36 PM
Lektor, on May 18 2007, 02:20 AM, said:
Really, dude, you should put yourself down like that...
If by destroy you mean overpower then yes. Once they see me naked, yes...that IS it. Game over? Not likely..stamina++ and CeliWhat? "Cup of Cocoa" is what you could call it I guess, a lot of heat and chocolate would be involved and I suppose I could put my junk in a box for a surprise.
#40
Posted 18 May 2007 - 09:43 PM
mWalk, on May 18 2007, 09:36 PM, said:
Well um.
That would be a surprise.
Imagine the surprise when you realize that putting it in a box means cutting it off, which mean blood can't flow to it, which ruins it for everyone.
So I guess that's what he meant by "You won't have to worry about it."
#42
Posted 19 May 2007 - 12:49 AM
moonunit4eva, on May 18 2007, 12:57 AM, said:
It's possible. If we've had previous lives is probable that we'd have been both men and women at some point.
moonunit4eva, on May 18 2007, 12:57 AM, said:
Should this bother me? Cuz it doesn't. Dr. Pufer. Has a nice ring to it.
I'd have no problem being a sex therapist I think. In fact, if I weren't already so far along on the path to law school, I would consider becoming some sort of therapist.
-Pufer
#46
Posted 19 May 2007 - 01:29 PM
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand
I won't make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm alive
#47
Posted 19 May 2007 - 05:07 PM
mWalk, on May 19 2007, 04:51 AM, said:
Step one: Find a box
Step two: Cut a hole in the side of the box
Step three: Put your junk in the box
Actually, it's
1.) Cut a hole in a box.
2.) Put your junk in that box.
3.) Make her open that box.
This post has been edited by Destroyer E: 19 May 2007 - 05:15 PM
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Official Pufervian
Messing with Cippy's sig because I can. -mrxak
#49
Posted 19 May 2007 - 06:55 PM
/Fiesta Grande\
#50
Posted 20 May 2007 - 12:02 AM
mWalk, on May 19 2007, 04:40 PM, said:
Then why go through all the trouble of putting it in a box?
-Pufer